Tag: seperation

Inspiration · self care · self development

Nothing grows in your comfort zone

The real KazLeave a comment

Always go with the choice that scares you, that’s where the magic happens….

You know that thing you have been thinking about for ages but haven’t taken action on because you’re scared? You know what I mean. You really want to do it but you’re scared what others will think. Your mind is saying things like,” Its so out of character for me to do something so different and risky. I’m normally so careful and safe. People will judge me and then what if it all goes wrong? What if it fails, I screw up? Then I’m going to look stupid and everyone will laugh and I will wish I’d stuck to what I was doing. Nah I think I’ll forget about it, for now at least”.

Yes that thing. Turn off the negative committee in your head and go do it!

Your comfort zone is where nothing grows. Its safe and predictable and it means you will keep living as you are with little to cause you stress, anxiety or motivate you to pursue your passions. Isn’t life worth more than that? Isn’t our time here too short to play it safe and never experience the fullness of life. Yes it means that sometimes things might not work out as we had hoped and that can be hard to deal with but in that experience comes growth and without darkness, there can be no light.

Outside of your comfort zone there is uncertainty, yes, but when you choose to never experience the anxiousness and excitement of making change, your world stays small and your personal growth is stunted because your experiences in life are limited and the more you avoid change the scarier it becomes so the fear grows.

If you want to make changes but fear is holding you back, start by making a list of all the things you have wanted to do, a bucket list if you will, of things big and small. Pick one thing off that list and challenge yourself to make it happen. It can be something as simple as learning to play an instrument or running a 5k but whatever it is, make a commitment to achieve it. Get your friends to join you and make it fun!

Another way to start living outside of your comfort zone is to change up your routine. Routine can be good but if its too rigid it maybe stifling. For example if you work from home, take yourself off to a new environment and work in a coffee shop for the day. Spontaneity helps you to get out of a rut and get used to that feeling of anxious excitement at trying something new and out of the blue. Control is lessened because there are more small unknowns to contend with, will the coffee shop be busy? Will I get a seat? etc…..

Face your fears. Think about the fear that is holding you back, what is it you are most scared of? Maybe its a fear of public speaking or within larger groups at work that frightens you, make a decision to try and say something in each meeting at work or look up local speaking in public courses to give you the skills to overcome that fear. Take action on how you are going to address those fears, with small steps to push your boundaries and get used to feeling that uncertainty that change brings and embracing it.

If you stay in your comfort zone you will never know what your really capable of. When you leave that safe space you start to step into your potential. There’s is so much you can do with this life, don’t get to the end and wish you had but fear has left you with regrets. You will always regret more what you didn’t do, than what you did even when it never turned out quite how you wanted.

Throughout all change, a positive mindset is key. Be optimistic and most importantly kind to yourself, if you find something hard, that’s ok! You took the first step and next time it will be easier. See failure as a lesson and set yourself goals along the way. It’s easier to do all of this when you surround yourself with positive likeminded people who will motivate and cheer you on. Look at your circle of friends and family and spend time with people who will support you in achieving your goals not make it harder.

You got this! x

https://www.tiktok.com/@lifeonmytermsx

Inspiration · self care · self development

Soundtrack of your life

The real Kaz2 Comments

Music heals the soul

My last post got me thinking about the other passion in my life. Music. Why, because as much as writing is becoming therapeutic to me, music has been my therapy my whole life. I listen to music and it has the power to lift me out of a funk, take me back to a moment in time and motivate and inspire me. Music can also bring back painful memories and take us to places that are difficult, times and people we miss and remind us of loss. There are songs I find hard to listen to now because of how raw those memories are but with time, those songs become the soundtrack to our lives a reminder of times we cherish for many reasons .

I am the kind of person that needs to hear the lyrics. They are important. If a song is special to me I need to listen to what it is saying. If it resonates with me, it goes on my playlist. I connect to moments in my life through music. The song played at my sons funeral was “Thank you for the days” by Kirsty McColl. That song summed up how I felt. A gratitude for having had my son in my life, the lessons he taught me and memories of our short time together which I cherish. I didn’t want a song that was too sad, so it felt perfect. I couldn’t listen to that song for so many years without becoming emotional. Today I can and it makes me smile. Time is a healer.

Kirsty McColl – Thank you for the days

After my son, Jermaine passed away, I would listen to Angel by Sarah McLachlan. I can remember many a time curled up on my bed, crying, listening to the words. I needed that song to express how hard things felt at that time. The lyrics comforted me to think he was with the angels and by my side in my dark hours, which were plenty.

Angel – Sarah McLachlan

We all have a soundtrack to our lives don’t we?

Music makes me happy too, honestly! If I’m sad I play upbeat tunes which lift my mood, I dance round the kitchen and force myself to feel good. Ok, sometimes I crumble after but for a time it works and it has to be LOUD. My children are 13, 20 and 23 years old and they all constantly turn my music down. Total role reversals in our family. Ok I am a little deaf but I like to immerse myself in my music. I feel the lyrics. The amount of times I’ve got into the car with my kids and the music comes on as I had it the day before when I was alone: usually LOUD. The tuts and huffs and “you’re so embarrassing” comments.

When I drive my daughter to school and she wants to get out the car, I’m given “the death stare” which means – turn the music down before I open the door. I don’t want my friends hearing your uncool music! Funny though!

Then there is when I run, which I do 3/4times a week, there has to be music. I’ve tried podcasts and I’ve tried to run without music but the beat and the rhythm keep me going. When I run, I process my day, I cry, I dance, I feel and I look like a loony tune to people who pass me by, but it helps me. The physical exercise and music is a release. My favourite song to run too at the moment is “Never gonna not dance again” by Pink. I dance away whilst running and it puts a spring into my pace and usually helps me to pick up the pace for longer, which is always a bonus at my stage of life.

Pink – Never gonna not dance again

I recently found out from my older sister, my dad, who died when I was 8 years old loved to sing. My memories of him are sketchy if I’m honest but my sister told me she remembers him getting up on the stage at The Conservative Club they went to often and singing mainly Frank Sinatra songs. That makes me smile, to think maybe my love for music comes from him plus who doesn’t love a bit of Frank?

Recently going through my divorce, the situation required some strong woman vibes and empowerment. “This is Me” from The Greatest Showman would be on a loop on my playlist and many Beverley Knight songs. Beverley has an impressive “strong woman” vibe. Her songs just scream empowered woman and sometimes that’s just what you need in these situations. One that got tons of play and still does is “Made it Back” but also, “The queen of starting over”. If you’re a woman that needs something to make you feel you can take on the world, definitely go have a listen.

So to sum up I’d say the other therapy in my life is music. Music is SOOOO good for the soul, a great outlet for emotions and a way to hold onto memories and people, sometimes painful but often also full of happiness and love.

What songs would make the soundtrack of your life?

Inspiration · self care · self development

Emotional Flatlining

The real KazLeave a comment

I’ve been feeling all the emotions the last few days. I feel sad, disappointed and just pretty much broken hearted and that prompted a conversation with my middle son yesterday. We were both sat at the kitchen table and my son, who is a psychology student, was giving me a pep talk because he could see I was struggling with emotions that were starting to make it difficult for me to motivate myself. He is 20 years old and for someone so young, full of amazing advice but lacking in the experience to back it up. I on the other hand have an absolute ton of experience, so between us we can usually talk things out and it helps, for the most part.

We talked about the fact that I have always felt things deeply. I go “all in” with my emotions and feelings and don’t really know how not too. That means I experience the good times as amazing but in contrast the difficult times can be tough to get through. I suppose I just don’t do things by halves. My ex husband used to say I was always on an emotional rollercoaster but I can see now that maybe due to the fact that he was on the opposite end of the spectrum and was great at shutting his emotions away. I felt enough for both of us! How I would love to be able to turn the intensity of those feelings down when things are hard, maybe learn to box those emotions up and store them locked away tightly in a dusty recess of my mind. Can’t other people do that? I thought so from observing friends and family, reading books and watching tv, everyone seems so much more capable of balancing how they feel. Other people just seem to be able to handle their emotions better, or at least it seems so. So I question myself, Is this something I need to train myself to do?

Well my son told me “he didn’t think it worked like that” and this is just who I am. My personality is that I’m a sensitive, an empath, some may say. Sitting opposite us during this conversation was my daughter. She is 13 years old and I see her and how she is navigating the emotions of adolescence, the hormones, her personality and sensitive nature and It’s like replaying my own youth. A tough time. She feels deeply and is a deep thinker and has learnt to adapt to the feelings of others around her. She can read the room and naturally tries to make others feel ok if something is “off”. She has seen me do that and it can drain you if you practice it throughout life. Would she have always had that ability or was it learnt from me? Have I magnified it? I wish I’d learnt earlier in life to not feel responsible for other peoples emotions, to not feel responsible for making other feel comfortable because when you learn that early in life, and practise that behaviour routinely as you become an adult, you lose yourself, you stop expressing who you are in order to make everyone around you happy. Being yourself is a skill and knowing you are not responsible for how people respond to you or feel about you comes with confidence and self worth. I am working on instilling this in my daughter, now I’ve finally learnt it myself at 47! What other people think of you is really none of your business. I hope I can teach that to my daughter now.

So today when scrolling social media I watched a short clip of a man saying he feels deeply too. He talks about speaking with his therapist about this and explaining to them that he wishes he could sit with his emotions in the middle of the scale rather than with the highs and lows and what his therapist replied really spoke to me. His therapist said if you imagine a heart monitor, its going up and down and if you were to put it in the middle, you would be flatlining. Life is about the highs and lows and when you are in a high you know that life will bring you the opposite at some point.

Who wants to live their life flatlining? Feel the excitement, passion, be enthusiastic, open your heart to love and when the lows come, you will learn from them, they will be hard but you will come out the other side stronger and with a wisdom and appreciation for life and the simple things. Its helped me to understand that my sensitivity to life’s rollercoaster of emotions is not necessarily a negative. I am thankful that I can experience the excitement at the simple things. For me, I believe life is an experience, not all of it will be wonderful but your mindset is what makes it bearable. So I will keep leaning into those emotions, stay open to all experiences and positive about what those experiences good or bad bring into my life and hopefully teach my daughter the same.

Growing, Healing, Living Life.

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Inspiration · self care · self development

Define Happiness

The real KazLeave a comment
Happy People by Little Big Town

What is happiness to you? I’m sure for each of us it would look a little different given our circumstances and personalities but do we all fundamentally need the same basic things to be happy? Or do we really need anything? Is happiness a state of mind?

When asked how you would define happiness what would it look like? Would you list things like a nice home? holidays? health? a job you loved? a loving partner? If so are all those things really necessary for happiness? Many people don’t have any of those things but still feel their lives are full and happy.

When I think about happiness I feel it is a place where I am at peace with myself. Happiness comes with genuine self acceptance of all our flaws, who we are, all our mistakes, all our experiences that have shaped us. It is a place internally of having worked through all of it and being back to the true authentic self we were born to be before all those relationships, traumas and life made us feel, shame, not good enough, too much, unlovable or any of the other negative views that may have been imposed on us or we have imposed upon ourselves..

When we were born we were who we are meant to be, before the world got its hands on us. We didn’t feel pressure to be a certain way, please certain people, travel a certain path. That authentic being inside you is where your true happiness lies. Stripping back all the hurt, judgement, shame, disappointment and anger, working through it and finding that child again means you can be yourself, love yourself and travel your path purposefully.

Doing the work to find that kind of happiness is not easy. Society has done a job on us and there are opinions, judgements and ideas that you have been listening to for so long that it takes a lot of work to address. I think our childhoods and relationships as well as living within our current society leave us all with coping strategies and triggers we need to work through.

When we have worked on finding self acceptance, we can really experience love for ourselves that allows space for genuine relationships with others that are not based on a “need” we have from someone else to fulfil a part of us that is hurt, or make us feel worthy but our relationships become a place that we gain love from others and give it without it being something we are relying on to complete us and make us happy. When we place our happiness in someone else’s hands we give them control of everything. True happiness is found within yourself and shared with others with the knowledge that it cannot be taken from you without your permission.

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To experience happiness there needs to be level of gratitude for what we have. Being thankful and expressing it daily, leaves no room for negativity. Gratitude helps us to find happiness in the simplest of things: waking up in the morning, our morning coffee, the sound of the birds outside, the warmth of our bedroom….. and when practised daily it really forces us to feel that appreciation of life and what we have. Starting your day listing what you are grateful for is a fantastic way to introduce positivity and happiness first thing in the morning and setting your day off to a great start.

I think connection with others is important for happiness too. It is through working on ourselves and then connection with others that we learn and grow. We experience hurt, disappointment, kindness, love for others but all of those things are experienced differently when we are coming first from a place of self love and worth because when you have found that there is no fear of rejection or pain, you are confident in who you are.

I am a long way from this kind of self love and happiness but I have begun my journey and have quickly realised there’s a lot of work to do but I am already seeing, that questioning why I am feeling and experiencing different emotions and reactions in situations and relationships is showing me so much about where my insecurities are and how past events formed my behaviours. Its not easy to look so closely at yourself, it takes courage because we all have parts of ourselves we hide but if you’re brave enough it can bring so much growth and happiness into your existence.

Inspiration · self care · self development

Find the courage to begin…..

Featured The real KazLeave a comment
Every journey needs a first step…..

There’s never an easy way to start something new. There’s often an anxious part of you which battles the negative thoughts that ask questions like “What if its rubbish?”, “What if no one is interested in what you have to say?” or ” What if they laugh at you?”. Often that internal narrative is enough to stop you in your tracks and for that idea to be parked for now or maybe even forever.

Not today though, not this time. Today I have tentatively taken the first steps too putting my thoughts on paper. To unravelling my own bullshit on this journey. A journey after a divorce of almost 25 years of marriage and for the first time ever really understanding why I am the way I am, what parts of my life shaped me and working through healing them to be authentic and true to myself.

At 47 years old I am finally really experiencing self care for myself and what that means for me is setting boundaries, being selfish, saying “no” when its right for my own mental health and only allowing people in my life who have positive energy and are motivating and inspiring.

This blog is a journal of what that journey looks and feels like. The messiness, frustration, disappointment as well as growth, self love and hopefully joy in creating a life I love and remembering the person I’d lost along the way.

It takes courage to look at your flaws, be honest with yourself, really honest and challenge what you had previously made excuses for. Anyone on that journey alongside me. I see you……. I’m proud of you!
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