Tag: relationships

friendship · Inspiration · self care · self development · self love

Days like this…

The real KazLeave a comment
Sad, overwhelming and difficult to get through but you still show up and know it’s just a day amongst a sea of better ones coming…

You get up to face another day, force a smile and go about the routine, the daily grind. Inside you feel empty, the minute your eyes open, it overwhelms you. There’s no slow introduction to the melancholy, it doesn’t creep in as the day develops. Nope. BOOM. It’s there as soon as you are conscious of a new day beginning.

You know if you sit for too long with your thoughts you will start to let them consume you, so you begin, it helps to stay occupied. Dog walk, breakfast, journal, coffee, face on, laptop on, same routine, different day. The kids slowly trundle in, big and not so big, they are pretty self sufficient but they need you to be strong, mostly you manage it, well at least this morning you do. They pass through getting ready for their day, chit chat, arguing, dogs barking, the morning chaos mounting. Until slowly, one by one, peace is restored and their day has begun out in the world, on their way for the day, school, work, university, socialising, doing their thing.

Then.

Silence. Stillness.

It feels vast, makes you uneasy.

Left with your thoughts. The worst place to be. A place that gives too much freedom to ruminate on circumstances, events and feelings. Space to think is dangerous, so its time for coffee and work mode overload. All day, work consumes. Phone calls back to back, listening to peoples problems, looking for solutions, advice, empathy and lots of coffee. Multiple cups. Large cups. On repeat.

You know you love this job, on a good day, this job rocks. It suits you, who you are but when you’re feeling this way, when your heart, chest and mind feel heavy and sad, it’s laborious. So hard to be there for others when its hard enough to be there for yourself, giving reassurance, support, a lifeline. You do though because it’s what you do best, at least when you are at your best.

When the work is done, the kids are home, you have listened to your friends problems, the dinners done, kitchen tidied, washing folded and all that’s left is for the peace and quiet of sleep.

Silence, on your quilt, finally, no one to support, no mask to wear, no one to be strong for. That’s when you know, the tears will fall, the sadness will consume you and you will let it all go. To avoid the inevitable, you switch on the tv, scroll through your phone. Distraction helps you postpone the tidal wave of emotions. Not for long though. It always catches you up, a few steps behind, chasing you quietly.

When you finally relent and switch everything off , it swallows you up, you let it all go because you can, there’s no one to see, no judgement or shame for being weak, letting the kids down, being selfish or too much. Abandon yourself to the ache that has sat in your chest all day, the tears you have held in tightly.

Cry if you must, its ok, tomorrow is a new day when you will walk the walk again. Maybe tomorrow will feel a little easier, maybe the pain will be less. Maybe tomorrow you’ll wake up and have forgotten the sadness and your smile will be genuine and full.

Tomorrow is an opportunity for something different and full of hope.

Hold onto that maybe, its important.

Just maybe.

friendship · Inspiration · relationships · self care · self development · self love

Life is short

The real KazLeave a comment

Stop waiting. Stop putting it off until the time is right. Stop expecting to know when the stars align, when the timing is perfect to make a change. That is never gonna happen. There is always gonna be a reason to wait.

Your mind is going to talk you out of taking that leap of faith because it’s trying to protect you. It will reason, question and analyse. It will come up with every excuse in the book to stick within your comfort zone where it knows you are safe. It’s hardwired that way.

The thing is taking that leap of faith needs to be practised to make it less scary. The more you do it, the less you worry about what might happen because even if it doesn’t turn out as you hoped, you know you will be ok. Others might say you have failed but have you really? You’ve tried, it hasn’t worked out, you’ve learnt how to do it better next time and can now say you gave it your best shot and live without regret.

Isn’t that better than what ifs? Always wondering if you could have done it? Would it have worked? Yes, you could be setting yourself up for some pain and hurt when you jump into something but what if that could be the best thing that ever happened to you and you walked away from it? Are you willing to risk that? What if they could have changed your life for the better? No one wants to feel hurt and pain but you know you would get through it and the potential for happiness is worth the risk, no? Jump into it, if it feels right, with gusto and enthusiasm, if you are going to do it, do it with all your being. No half ass attempts, give it your all!

Say what you want to say, don’t hold it in, don’t leave room for doubt, be honest. Spend time with the people you admire, who are positive, who are living their dreams. Do the things you want to do, seek them out, the more you look, the more opportunities you will find.

Don’t allow life to carry you along with it and never take a chance. You will go through your whole existence never really achieving or experiencing the things that light your soul up. When opportunities arise grab them, when people arrive in your life that you feel connected to embrace them, the universe brings the right opportunities, experiences and people to you at the right time for you to experience, learn and grow. Trust the process….

There is no “right” or “wrong” path to take, only what makes you happy and gives you the experiences you desire. So take them and make this life worth living. The ups, downs and plot twists along the way are the stories you can tell your grandchildren about, that you lived to the full and loved with all your heart. Show them that life is short and age, creeps up on us quickly.

Mostly, make memories because when you are gone, there’s nothing else left but what others remember. Their time with you, your essence, how you made them feel and how you lived your life.

Inspiration · relationships · self care · self development · self love

Quotes to live by….

The real KazLeave a comment

Do you have a quote that you always end up going back to for a little pep talk? Is it up on your wall or stuck in the recesses of your mind, ready to be retrieved when challenges strike and some motivation is needed?

I love a good quote and when I finally reside in a home of my own, I’m sure it will be full to the brim of quotes that I can relate to, but the quote which I seem to go back to often in the last few years and that I wish I had taken more heed of over my lifetime is:

Why this quote? I remember the first time I heard it and how it resonated with me because I have always been very good at seeing the good in people, at giving people second, third and fourth chances, after all, we all make mistakes, no? I still believe this to be true. Everyone deserves another chance because we all learn, grow and change over our lifetimes.

But I know now that life has taught me some major lessons, to believe actions over words. If someone cares, they will show it. If someone is sorry, they will prove it. Changed behaviour is the ultimate way to apologise, words are way too easy.

So even though it is still very hard and goes against the grain for me, I will look at behaviour first because I am worth more than staying in a situation where I’m hoping that things will get better based on many conversations that seem to be honest and authentic but turn out to be continually repeated behaviours in a groundhog day style.

When you hope for too long and believe words and not actions, you are taken for granted. When a simple sorry is always accepted and behaviour isn’t changed, then a belief that you will always forgive and continue with the way things are is accepted. That is when you are living on dangerous ground because when one person believes a simple “sorry” is always going to be enough, then they will never need to make an effort to make changes. Why would they? You will never force the point, so they don’t need too, right? When you are in that situation its time to challenge behaviour, set boundaries and stick to them.

Make it clear that the only apology is changed behaviour. Set a timeline and clearly state what you will and won’t accept and what you will do, if those boundaries are not respected. Be the cycle breaker.

The other quote that is SO simple but really has helped me deal with anxiety and overwhelm since hitting perimenopause is:

Quite simply that.

For me hitting the stage in life where perimenopause started to affect my hormones meant I experienced anxiety and depression that I had never experienced in my life before. It ended in a mini breakdown alongside difficult life events that were piled on top of the hormonal changes, I just shut down and went from doing everything, to being unable to take responsibility for anything. Counselling and HRT have changed that but I still occasionally need reminders to take a step back and deal with one thing at a time.

This quote is a reminder for me when I am feeling overwhelmed with the to do list, the events in my life and my feelings to focus on the next thing in front of me. Simple and effective at reducing the pressure and amount of “stuff” I am feeling, thinking and worrying about needing to complete. It helps me to take action because focusing on one thing feels manageable. When there is too much to do, I go into the mode of “its all too much and I can’t do anything” and when I hit rock bottom about 5 years ago, I lived in that mode for way too long. So its a simple but effective reminder to do ONE thing before moving onto the next…..

Sometimes simple is the most effective way forward.

What quotes do you live by in your life right now? Why do they resonate?

friendship · Inspiration · relationships · self care · self development · self love

For her, be brave..

The real KazLeave a comment

I didn’t mean for us to cause each other any pain but I think it’s too late for that.

If I could turn back the clock I would still do it again. I will never wish that we never spoke, or laughed, or shared who we are with each other. I will never wish that we could erase those times, too many memories that I’m grateful to have….

I hope that you don’t stop this letting you love. I hope you don’t build a wall even higher around your heart that is impossible to break down, because you deserve to be cherished. You deserve it more than anyone I know. When the time is right…

I say that because I know that would be easy to do. It seems hearts do need protecting. They are fragile and easily broken. I never realised how much until now. So it’s time to learn to keep mine safe. Time to establish better boundaries, not be so open, not give it so easily, because I do and I am realising that is dangerous.

This kind of hurt is scary in its nature. It can’t be shared just worked through alone but I really hope you find the person who you are willing to risk that hurt for, open up and really love. There’s so much more out there than what you have had but you’ve got to take a risk to experience it and risks aren’t your forte. I know that now but it’s the only way you are gonna experience the kind of relationship you deserve, by being vulnerable, opening up and trusting someone to take care of you as you do for them. I know that’s hard for you because why would you?

Of all the people on the planet I would have cherished your heart. I would never intentionally hurt you but I fear I may have done so, unintentionally and for that I’m truly sorry.

You deserve the best and I know that I have not said this before because I never wanted to let you go but I really hope you find that in someone. Someone who lives up to it. Let her in and trust her, when its time, she’s out there and for her, you need to be brave.

friendship · Inspiration · relationships · self care · self development · self love

Count on me…

The real KazLeave a comment

When life throws shit at you, who do you turn to?

When all you want to do is get into bed and allow the pain you’re feeling to consume you, who do you know will help you dust yourself off and get back up on your feet? Who can you rely on to dry your tears, listen to how shit you feel and then give you that pep talk, the one that tells you how awesome you are whilst making sure that you have to come over for dinner because they “need” you for “something” but also know you will wallow and mope for far too long in bed otherwise. They know how you roll.

No, they may not be saying what you wanna hear. They may tell you the words that sting when no one else will. You may not want to reach out because you know you will hear the hard truth but if you need them, if they get a whiff of something not being right with you, the phone is ringing, texts beeping, or they will be on your doorstep and not going away until they know what’s going on and they’ve made sure you are taking care of yourself physically and emotionally.

When you struggle to reach out for a shoulder to cry on, someone to talk to, when you think hiding how you feel makes you strong, those people in your life are lifesavers because they are the ones who will read between the lines. When they call and they can hear by the tone in your voice, when you don’t reply to a message, when they see you and notice more from what you’re not saying, that there is something wrong then they make it their mission to find out what that “something” is.

You don’t need many of these lifesavers. No. One in your life is a total blessing. If you are lucky enough to have more, be thankful because they are rare. They usually come from years of friendship, years of seeing you make mistakes, getting drunk together, experiencing setbacks, love and broken hearts and riding through life’s challenges and celebrations together until they know you inside out, what your weaknesses are, your soft spots, your triggers and how much you give to others. They know how you can be taken advantage of, how past relationships have affected you, why you are so guarded now and when you need to be told that what you have done or are doing is wrong, they will kick your butt back into line.

Today people come in and out of our lives so often, we move, change jobs, our families take priority, our time is limited and ultimately we outgrow people. A friend who carries on calling, doesn’t let distance get in the way of friendship, makes time and who most importantly grows with you is gold.

These kind of friendships are cultivated, like any relationship they need work, they need you to be there for each other and put the effort into having fun times together and sharing the difficult ones, they require vulnerability and are not demanding. Life is busy, we all have commitments and these friends don’t expect daily calls, they know that you will both be there when its needed and that life ebbs and flows and changes but that fact doesn’t change what you both know. That you have got each others backs when it’s needed.

So when you have established a lifesaver friendship, they stick around for the long haul and there is very little that can break that bond once it is created. Sometimes I think friendships like these are likely some of the most important relationships in our lives. Through thick and thin and through lifetimes where partners and other relationships fade away, they are there celebrating, laughing, crying and helping us piece ourselves back together.

I’m blessed to have a few and eternally grateful for these ladies In my life.

Thank you x

Inspiration · relationships · self care · self development · self love

A Safe Love

The real KazLeave a comment

A love that wraps you up tightly in peace, security and stability. Where there is no room for doubt. No room for feelings of uncertainty that push you to try harder, be better, look prettier. Where there is no second guessing if it’s the “right” thing to say, the “right” way to be and which version of you is lovable today. Am I too loud, too obvious, not feminine enough, not caring enough, too motivated, too much?? or just not enough??

A love that takes your hand and holds it tightly, that gently reassures with fingers intertwined.

A love that allows you to be the person your soul needs to be. The girl you were born to be. The girl who snorts and giggles loudly, whose style changes along with her mood because boxes keep you trapped and small but this love gives you wings to expand and grow.

A love that listens because its curious about everything in your life: your childhood, past, mistakes, fears, hopes, dreams, all of it, all of you. No judgements, no disapproval, just a desire to know everything about you and the events that have brought you to be here, just as you are at the right time, for this love. Acceptance for what is.

A love that stays when struggles arrive, that stands beside you and never waivers. The lighthouse in the storm, guiding you back home, with steadfast strength. Always there, trustworthy and loyal. You trust this love will not walk away. This is what safe feels like.

A love that allows you to grow, work on yourself, pursue your passions. When you are figuring out exactly who you are and why, this love supports that self development, adores seeing you shine so brightly because you are remembering who you are. This love celebrates growth for both of you, encourages it!

A love that works as a team, always there, always got your back, encouraging, supporting, communicating, cheering you on and caring but secure enough to allow you space to be your individual self. Love with no jealousy, just proud of this two person team and what you are each achieving… alone and together.

Most importantly, a love that is safe.

Inspiration · self care · self development · self love

This too shall pass

The real Kaz2 Comments

Whatever you are going through, it feels like the world is ending and you can’t go on but remember this is a moment, a minut part of the great expanse of your life. This tiny piece of your puzzle is one of 1000’s that make up the complete picture and it has its part but it is just a piece. That full picture wouldn’t be the same, without this pain and what you learn from it will help make your picture perfect.

Every bad event that has happened in your life so far you have come through. Your track record for getting back up and carrying on is exemplary. This time I know it feels worse, the lack of control, you feel like you are suffocating with no one to help but you know if you are totally honest with yourself that’s because you have pushed everyone away. You need to let people in. You can’t do this alone. And this is one time in your life that you need support and that’s ok. You’ve been there for others, its your turn.

This is a minut moment………

It feels like you are being torn apart and that the pain in your head and heart is unbearable but I promise you this will not last.

Take a deep breath.

And another.

Cry if you need, sob, let it out, but what I need you to do is reach out to someone. I don’t wanna hear that there isn’t anyone. If you believe that then pick up the phone and call the Samaritans. I just want you to talk. Out loud. To someone who is not embroiled in your emotions because they are making you feel worse. Speak to someone about what is making this feel so painful, the anger, loss, disappointment, heartache, let it all out because all locked up inside of you it is doing way too much damage. Its festering and eating away at all the good thoughts, the kindness you have and turning into bitterness that is toxic. Let the poison out..

Be vulnerable. Stop holding it in, face it all head on and let your friends and family stand beside you and help. That is real strength. Being able to lean on others and let them help you pick up the pieces, that takes guts. Especially when you have never allowed anyone so closely into your darkness before. Feelings will not just go away, when you bottle them up, they don’t just disappear. They are there waiting for some way to escape, like a pressure cooker waiting for a release and it will happen, when you least expect it.

I know deep down inside there is a part of you that knows you have a lot to give. There’s a part of you that knows despite your mistakes you deserve to be loved and give love. It’s ok to get it wrong. We all do it. What’s important is that we learn and grow from it and become a better version of ourselves so we don’t repeat those mistakes. So learn. Say you are sorry, apologise, make things right but most importantly forgive yourself. I guarantee you when you clean yourself up and show everyone you are working on yourself, those who really love you will be SO proud of you and support you. Those who don’t, aren’t your people. Let them go. When the shit hits the fan, that is when you can really distinguish the people who should have a place at your table moving forward and those who are no longer getting an invitation to join you.

Learning and growth can be messy and painful but you are strong and it is a better pain than repeating this cycle, like Groundhog Day. It’s a pain with an ending, a pain that you will work through and come out the other side of ready to be there for others.

It’s worth it. It’s what you are here for.

So take a deep breathe, reach out and start healing. Face those demons. Stop fighting it. Show everyone how strong you are. Show your kids that with vulnerability comes strength. Lead by example and make them proud.

I believe in you. I know you don’t believe me but I do but it has to come from you.

Is it time?

Boat – Ed Sheeran

Inspiration · relationships · self care · self development · self love

Right person, wrong time…

The real KazLeave a comment

He was supposed to come into your life you know. You weren’t looking and neither was he, but your lives were meant to collide. You felt that spark, the connection, you could be yourself with him and he wanted you to be.

You spent many nights, talking, laughing, listening to music, learning about each others story and the people you are. The thing is the more you learnt, the more you connected and this unexpected crossing of each others paths, became something that you weren’t intending it too.

But life doesn’t make things simple. Once emotions take hold, you can’t pretend they never arrived. If so, things would be easier, so much simpler. If you could put them back in a box and go back to the beginning, would you let it play out the same again? Would you take it so much slower, be more careful with both your battered hearts?

The thing is you are both healing from heartbreak. You are both on a journey that’s at different stages but oh, if you were both in the right place, it would be a ride! You’ve felt it and hope he has too. That knowledge doesn’t help either. Right person, wrong time. That hurts because why would you wanna know that if this was 6 months, a year down the line it would work out? How does that help how you feel. It doesn’t. It just feels like a bad joke. That isn’t funny. Just sad.

Those feelings though, felt right and yes, maybe you both shouldn’t have let the “what will be, will be” attitude take over. The sensible thing, probably would have been to think a little more, take a bigger step back, but when something feels right that’s not so easy to do.

Instead you went a little deeper, opened yourself up a little more, in hindsight, too much, maybe. But you always go “all in”. You don’t do “half-arsed”, especially when it comes to feelings. You give it your all and then some, but that means if it doesn’t work out as expected, you hurt like hell too.

So yes, it seems, you shouldn’t have rushed in, that his heart is still healing and isn’t ready for yours. You are wishing you had reigned it in, just a little, just not given so much of your fragile heart out because now it’s in pieces.

Who knows, maybe, down the road, in a while, you will both be perfectly aligned. The timing, your healing, your journeys will be in sync.

For now, keep living girl.

Life goes on…..

Inspiration · self care · self development · self love

Magical Memories

The real KazLeave a comment
Three brothers together, having fun. Jermaine in the middle had cerebral palsy and passed at age 13 years.

Remember that time you giggled for the first time? Not just laughter but a full on hardcore giggle that was totally infectious and would not stop, for any reason, not at all. I though, stopped in my tracks. Was there something wrong? Were you having a seizure? I panicked. Most kids were laughing a long time ago. Why now? Shit. You just carried on though, full of beans. I waited, not sure how to react. Call an ambulance or giggle too? Slowly hoping, this was you having found your voice, your giggly spot. Then realising, you had! I cried predictably, happy tears, ecstatic tears, to hear my boy, laugh so heartily and enthusiastically, from nowhere. Zero to full throttle in giggles. Perfect. Then I told the world. Everyone I knew. My son laughed. Really laughed though, a proper belly laugh. Amazing!

That was a magical moment.

The joy of seeing you in the hydrotherapy pool. Those tight, contracted muscles, completely relaxed, the strain on your face would disappear and you were at peace with that huge grin lighting up your face, to say to all, this is heavenly, come on in! You communicated very well when you needed too.

Coming to pick you up from primary school not long after you had started, frantically hoping and praying you were ok. Then seeing you all snuggled in to your favourite teaching assistants chest. All cushioned into her bosom, that left mine to shame and you snoring away loudly, happily and contentedly. Not a care in the world. There you were telling me, its pretty good here mum.

Or the memories that give me the most joy of you and your two brothers. One, kissing you, the other wrapped around your legs. One holding your hand, the other wiping your chin. The three of you, just so in sync. They helped you when you were uncomfortable, repositioned you, sat you forward, talked to you and reassured you. You would look around searching for them and talk right back at them. Shouting when they needed it. You would give as good as you got. No it didn’t make sense, your sounds were unique but to the three of you, there was understanding and love. That memory is my favourite. What you taught and gave to your brothers in love and compassion and what they in return gave you was incredibly special to watch, as your mum.

So many magical memories I treasure.

But mostly I remember the feel of your hair, the sound of your voice and the light, mischief and strength of your spirit. I was so incredibly lucky to be your mum. Truly.

Thanks for choosing me.

Love ya!

Memories – Maroon 5. Remembering my boy Jermaine, who passed away 15 years ago today at age 13. Remembering the magical memories.

Inspiration · self care · self development · self love

A gift from a loved one…

The real KazLeave a comment
Picture: My son who had cerebral palsy on my mums lap along with my nephew. One of my favourite family pictures.

The most positive thing a family member has done for me, is shown me the value of difference.

My son and mum both taught me that no matter who you are, what your strengths are, what you look like, how you communicate and learn, you are valuable and important and you have something to contribute to this life.

Everyone no matter what their ability, age, gender, size or anything else has something inherently amazing to bring to the lives of others. In todays society we value how much money you make, the size of your house, how many followers you have, how attractive you are… There is so much more to life and I am so thankful, that I learnt that at a young age from the closest people to me in my life.

You may not have the education others do, but can still teach the people in your life so much more than Maths and English. You may not learn in the same way, it may take you longer or you may never be able to understand how to write an essay or add and subtract but what you teach others about connection, patience and acceptance in a world lacking in all three is so much more valuable.

You may not look the same as everyone else in society and because of that you are ridiculed and shunned but what you can teach others about the value of difference, self worth, judgement and love is gold. When you step out into the world and embrace who you are, you are giving others the confidence to do the same behind you. You are crushing peoples stereotypes, judgements and fear about who and what groups of people should look like and what that says about them and supporting more accepting communities by doing so. It matters.

Picture: Me and my boy

You may not be able to communicate your wishes in the same way as others but that does not mean that you should not be heard. You have the right to make decisions and choices about your own life and no one should override or disregard that. Shout and make your voice heard. Find your advocates and supporters and join arms with them. Show the world your views count!

You may not be able to move as fast or in the same way as others but that does not mean you should not have opportunities to do so. You have the right to the same access to fun, holidays, shops, transport and communities need reminding of this. So get out there and make a fuss, do it all and make them feel awkward when you can’t because your strength is paving the way for others.

When you have differences in todays society, everything becomes that little bit harder and more often than not a lot harder. You are constantly fighting to get the same freedoms, resources, access, conversations as everyone else. I am grateful that I saw that through being my mums ears and communicator and my sons everything, always support someone’s voice to be heard, you could be that extra bit of fight and strength they needed to keep going today.

Sometimes having one person who listens, smiles and actually helps you to find a way, is all you need.

Lets be that person today.

Give the person who is tired of the constant fight hope that sometimes, people listen.

But mostly lets just be kind.

Birdy – People help the people