I think I got my confidence from you. I’m guessing, ‘cos it doesn’t run through mum’s side of the family. Women on mum’s side are shy, anxious, still strong but worry about the world and what will happen when they’re gone. I have that less, so I guess that may come from you, at least I hope. It comforts me to think I can recognise some of your traits in me.
I’m told you were confident, you could strongly voice your point of view. You weren’t scared to speak up in a crowd and enjoyed a debate or two. Ok, so I can’t quite say that’s me, but what I will say is true, I have a strength and desire to break through this shyness and speak my truth. Maybe I wouldn’t have had that with out you as my dad. Maybe I would just have accepted that this was who I am and sat back.
I like to think It’s from you that inner determination runs through me and I hope now I’m wiser and more confident, you can see that too. I know you loved books, loved to read, poems too. I can definitely say I love the written word too.
I try and remember you from when I was young but the memories are foggy, untrustworthy. Is it a memory or a story I’ve been told about you? I’m unsure. I want them all to be memories but there are only a few of which I’m really sure.
The scent of your roll up tobacco from a Golden Virginia tin box, that you would sit and roll out with, your legs crossed. Dressed in old work jeans but with a shirt that never really seemed to match. Then I remember your smile, when a glimpse of me you’d catch.
I wish my kids got to meet you, damn I wish I had more time with you myself, but my kids would have just flourished with your guiding hand or advice instead. Maybe I would have had more strength to make changes with you by my side but I’ve learnt to harness my own courage and sometimes I just know you are there as my guide.
Almost like you are standing right behind me with a hand on my shoulder, nudging me to be brave, do the hard thing, that’s when I feel you. When I have a choice that is difficult, just willing and whispering in my ear to chose the tough road because that leads to growth and change too.
Telling me to stand strong.
Don’t give up.
Shoulders back, head up and you won’t go wrong.
I’m thankful for the parts of me that are from you. It helps me to feel you are close. Through these rough times I would have loved to have you here with me, to know you were beside me taking care of me but you are within me.
I am your daughter and that is enough ‘cos that means I’m tough!
The older I’ve become, the more I wonder if we all feel this way in some respect during those difficult teenage years. Does anyone actually feel totally accepted and comfortable in their own skin and social group throughout their teenage years?
For me, my home life seemed “different” to others. My dad had died when I was 8 years old and my mum was deaf. Both of those things made me self conscious at parents evenings. Mum couldn’t communicate like the other parents, dad wasn’t there. Two things that were enough to make me feel I stood out like a sore thumb. In reality, I didn’t. No one really took any notice or cared enough about my situation at home. Everyone has something that makes them feel like they “stand out” or don’t quite “fit in”
On top of what felt to me like huge flashing beacons of difference, I was also incredibly shy and quiet. This again, created for me a huge insecurity that no one wanted to be around me. I was too quiet, awkward, no fun to be around. Of course none of which was true but that narrative took residence in my mind for a very long time. My shyness often led to situations where if I felt uncomfortable or was put in a situation where I was forced to speak up in front of many others I would go bright red in the face. This would exacerbate the more anxious and self conscious I became. I would feel like I wanted the ground to swallow me up so I could just disappear from the embarrassment of my obvious anxiety and discomfort that everyone could now physically see.
Over the years, I learnt to control this red ripening face reaction to my discomfort. I began to realise that it wasn’t as noticeable as I felt it was to others and those who did notice really didn’t care that much. This took away a lot of my anxiety and fear around this happening and allowed me to take control over how I reacted.
What I took away from High School wasn’t really a great education, I underperformed and under achieved. It wasn’t a supportive friendship group as I had a better group of friends outside of school, than inside its gates. It wasn’t a sense of belonging or safety.
For me school was just a somewhere I felt unable to find my place in, I wasn’t really a neat piece of the schools tapestry. I didn’t belong with the cool kids, because I just wasn’t cool enough. I didn’t belong with the nerdy kids, because I just wasn’t nerdy enough. I didn’t belong with the sporty kids, because I was rubbish at sport. I didn’t fit in any box reliably enough, so I existed between them all. Never really making good friends in any but being around for lots of them.
So school really only taught me to feel I didn’t “fit in”.
He was supposed to come into your life you know. You weren’t looking and neither was he, but your lives were meant to collide. You felt that spark, the connection, you could be yourself with him and he wanted you to be.
You spent many nights, talking, laughing, listening to music, learning about each others story and the people you are. The thing is the more you learnt, the more you connected and this unexpected crossing of each others paths, became something that you weren’t intending it too.
But life doesn’t make things simple. Once emotions take hold, you can’t pretend they never arrived. If so, things would be easier, so much simpler. If you could put them back in a box and go back to the beginning, would you let it play out the same again? Would you take it so much slower, be more careful with both your battered hearts?
The thing is you are both healing from heartbreak. You are both on a journey that’s at different stages but oh, if you were both in the right place, it would be a ride! You’ve felt it and hope he has too. That knowledge doesn’t help either. Right person, wrong time. That hurts because why would you wanna know that if this was 6 months, a year down the line it would work out? How does that help how you feel. It doesn’t. It just feels like a bad joke. That isn’t funny. Just sad.
Those feelings though, felt right and yes, maybe you both shouldn’t have let the “what will be, will be” attitude take over. The sensible thing, probably would have been to think a little more, take a bigger step back, but when something feels right that’s not so easy to do.
Instead you went a little deeper, opened yourself up a little more, in hindsight, too much, maybe. But you always go “all in”. You don’t do “half-arsed”, especially when it comes to feelings. You give it your all and then some, but that means if it doesn’t work out as expected, you hurt like hell too.
So yes, it seems, you shouldn’t have rushed in, that his heart is still healing and isn’t ready for yours. You are wishing you had reigned it in, just a little, just not given so much of your fragile heart out because now it’s in pieces.
Who knows, maybe, down the road, in a while, you will both be perfectly aligned. The timing, your healing, your journeys will be in sync.
When someone describes you as selfish, it feels like a harsh criticism doesn’t it? There’s almost a recoiling of horror that someone could describe you as such. Being described as selfless, is less harsh but as a woman, I can say it often describes a way of living that is likely to leave you, used up, worn and rung out from giving so much to others: time, love and support. So why not work on being self-full? A place where you are making sure you are taken care of first and full to the brim so that you can give and support others without putting your own wellbeing at risk.
Self love is a term used widely and taking care of what you need first by loving your mind, body and spirit is essential for you to be there for others. Loving yourself does not require you to take love away from others, as is often believed, it means that you will be able to give more when you are taking time for yourself. Time for yourself can come in many forms, depending on what it is you personally require in your life. It may mean working out, eating better, meditating, taking time to be alone, doing what you love, setting boundaries or saying “no” when you need to. It may mean working on yourself, journaling, inner child work or therapy to heal your wounds.
Being selfish is described as “concerned excessively with oneself: seeking or concentrating on ones own advantage without regard for others”. Selfishness would mean you are putting others in harms way or last and that you were disregarding what is good for others to focus on yourself but that is not the intention here. The intention, just like the airplane rule of putting your oxygen mask on first so you can help your children, is that if you are full to the brim with what you need, you can do so much more for others.
Being self-full is positive selfishness and is in fact a generous mindset. If there is no water in your own well, you can’t give anyone else a drink either. Your own wellbeing and mental health is incredibly important for the quality of your support to your family. Some people in your life may view prioritising yourself as selfish but could that be because they wanted to be prioritised first, above you? Selfish?
You maybe prioritising others because it makes you feel good about yourself. It may come from a need to be wanted and liked, this may come from a wound within you that needs healing and addressing from your childhood or relationships in the past. If you feel like putting everyone else first, when it clearly was detrimental to what you wanted and your health has been an issue for you in the past, be honest and take a good look inward at why this is. Is it something you need to address from your past?
Or have the people around you made you feel guilty if you don’t put everyone else first? Do you feel pressure to be the glue that fixes and holds the family together, solves problems and keeps everyone safe and well. Who then does this for you?
Start to do this for yourself, show your kids by example that if they take care of themselves they will never be placing their health and wellbeing in someone else’s hands. Remember you won’t always be a priority to others, even those closest to you will have reasons and underlying motives for asking things of you. That is why you have to be a priority to yourself. Learn to respect yourself, take care of yourself and become your own support system.
Your needs matter. Start meeting them.
Choose yourself, so you can then choose to be there for others.
Where do you sit on the spectrum? Optimist, Pessimist? or Realist maybe?
I like to consider myself an optimist as I believe I always try and see the positive in situations and a life full of opportunities rather than challenges. From childhood through to an adult I’ve never found it difficult to look on the bright side of things, even in the face of some pretty difficult times. That is probably due in part to the fact that I genuinely believe that we are here to learn and grow and every struggle we go through is an opportunity for self development.
Our mindset and thoughts are more responsible for the joy in our life over and above the actual circumstances of our lives and our struggles. If we can see the positive in things, we can weather the darkest storms. When our thoughts tend to veer towards pessimism, we feel less resilient and able to cope whereas a more positive outlook, research shows, can actually reduce depression and low mood.
I have found myself recently though, struggling to stay in a thankful and positive zone when something feels good or hopeful. This happened to me yesterday and instead of being happy and thankful, that maybe things were improving, I got scared that I was heading for another disappointment. The thing is, the last 18 month period has been a barrage of struggles, obstacles and change. Nothing has been straightforward and it feels pretty relentless. It hasn’t really been the problems, its been the non stop consistency of one thing after another. That kind of ongoing, stress and disappointment has an affect on you. Every time recently I have felt things may be turning a corner, something else has shown up to knock me back down. Pretty soon your brain begins to expect bad things, almost as a protection for the constant hurt and disappointment. So when I did see something potentially positive approaching my rear view mirror of life yesterday, I found myself immediately start to say to myself “don’t expect this to happen Kaz, something will go wrong”.
There is a difference I suppose, between being a pessimist and being realistic. Sometimes when dealing with someone or a situation that has been continually difficult, you need to be realistic about your expectations otherwise you will be setting yourself up for more hurt in the name of optimism. There comes a point where realism needs to take over and that is totally needed when a continued positive outlook would allow others to continue to take advantage.
Maybe realistic optimism is the best way forward. Stay realistic when dealing with people and situations that have hurt or disappointed you before but never forget all things are possible with the right mindset and attitude. Seems like a good balance to work towards.
If you are finding you’re struggling with a negative outlook, adjusting small thought patterns and actions can help. Our mind is responsible for so much of the joy, stress and anxiety in our lives.
Try and enjoy the everyday small things in life. Don’t wait for the holiday in 6 months, or when you retire. Go do the things you love today: go for a walk, sing, dance, see friends etc… Loving those everyday things will increase the joy in your life immediately,, so why wait?
Look for the beauty in all things. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but spend time with what is beautiful to you. It maybe a walk in nature, enjoying your favourite music, art or a sunset.
Imagine yourself attaining or experiencing what you desire. Imagination/ visualisation is a powerful tool and can really make you feel your goals are within reach and help you stay motivated. Feel the emotions of achieving what happiness and contentment is for you and imagine how that will happen. What does that look like for you? Where are you? Who is with you? Visualise and experience it. It helps to cement in your mind what you really want and need to feel happy and motivates you to achieve it.
Practice gratitude. Make a daily practice of being thankful for 3 things in your life. If you are feeling grateful and appreciating what you have, it is almost impossible to become negative.
Be kind to yourself. The way you talk to yourself has a huge impact on how you feel. Positive self talk will make it easier to feel great and positive about your day.
Be creative. Find a creative past time and do more of it. Let those creative juices run free, Enjoy it. Don’t worry about the end result. Focus on the present and enjoy the journey of creating your masterpiece.
Be a positive role model, at home with your kids, at work and within your circle. When you behave like the positive person you would like your children to be, you are likely to become that person and you are modelling a fantastic way of life for the special people in your life.
Lastly surround yourself with positive people. We have all been around people who drain our energy. They see everything as a negative that is happening to them. Surround yourself with people who switch it up, see the flip side. People who see difficult experiences as a way of making way for the life you have been dreaming about and if it’s not what you want, you have the responsibility and power to change it at any given moment. Get rid of blame and shame and start with responsibility and self belief.
Unravelling My Own Bulls#*t! 