Tired of being everyone else’s safe harbour. The one they come to for shelter in the storm. The protector, shield, that makes everyone feel heard.
Don’t get me wrong, I was born to steer my ship. Keep it sailing by nurturing all aboard her. I do not know how not too. I would be lost without her.
I’m strong. I can handle a lot. I can normally weather the strongest, raging storms but this one right now has been relentless. Every time I think it is easing it comes back with a vengeance. It has ravaged my crew and me and I am exhausted. I need a lifeboat myself. I’m embarrassed to admit it, almost ashamed but my ship feels like she’s sinking, very, very slowly.
I’m still here, supporting, listening, guiding but the tears won’t stop. I want them too. I don’t want the crew to have to see their captain failing and show my weakness. The 2nd in command has already been lost at sea, I want them to be able to rely on me, feel I will never let them down but right now that feels an insurmountable task.
They see my cracks, my mistakes, imperfections and vulnerability. I have no choice but to let those waters flow from my eyes. Impossible to plug the gaps, to prevent me sinking further.
They hold onto me tighter. Not for them this time but for me. To help me weather this storm. There is no abandoning ship as I thought, instead my tears are dried and not a word said. I can feel them stand taller, firmer and make a decision to be the lighthouse for their captain to guide her ship safely. Just for now, for a wee while.
I relax for the first time in an age, sink to my knees and let down my guard. Is it ok to let go of the helm and lay down? Just for a moment and recharge? Just for a time, I weep uncontrollably and on board this ship feel completely loved and safe. I cast my anchor down and I rest, I stop thinking of the ships needs, the crew and re-focus on myself. Completely, knowing it will be ok.
The storm clouds gradually disappear and begin to make way for rays of sunshine peeping through.
The crew hoist the sails and the ship keeps sailing, on and on.
Have you ever had “you’ve changed” thrown at you, usually with a negative undertone, used to imply you should still be the same person you were 5, 10. 15 years ago, have the same mindset, attitude, goals and ambitions.
I’ve had this said to me in the past, seemingly aimed at how I am now less shy and socially anxious around others and will put myself out there more, for instance with this blog and my social media. I’ve received quite a bit of negativity around that and my response would be, yes I’ve changed. Thank god! I’ve grown, I’ve matured, I don’t care so much what people think. I still get hurt by comments, but I enjoy sharing and knowing others have been there and can relate to my content and find it supportive. I know that something I’ve posted maybe the one thing a person reads or watches that day which helps them find the inspiration to keep going. That motivation is now stronger than my fears and anxieties around what others think of me.
That in itself is growth.
None of us are the same person we were when we were 18 years old. Would you want to be? I love where I am now in life. My experiences, mistakes, challenges, good times and bad have moulded me into this person with knowledge and insight that is unique to me. No one else on this planet has the same experiences and that is something worth sharing and celebrating. Embrace that uniqueness.
When people who we know say “you’ve changed” I think it generally says a lot more about them. It’s almost like they are trying to put you “back in your box” and undermining who you have become. They may feel insecure about their own growth. Maybe they have let fear hold them back from pursuing paths and they regret that so they feel a resentment towards you. There maybe a part of them that wants you to be the same person you were as you were enabling their own insecurities, you may have less time for them now. There are many reasons friends and family may react this way, that are all to do with them and nothing to do with you. If they were coming from a place of love and care they would be proud of your growth. They would want to see you to pursue what lights you up and you have a passion for, even if it doesn’t align with their goals and passions.
Sometimes when people don’t understand what you are doing or who you have become they will dismiss or disapprove of it. Remember to NEVER apologise for who you have become.
Own your growth. Own your choices. Be authentic.
Understand life is constantly changing and so are you.
Always go with the choice that scares you, that’s where the magic happens….
You know that thing you have been thinking about for ages but haven’t taken action on because you’re scared? You know what I mean. You really want to do it but you’re scared what others will think. Your mind is saying things like,” Its so out of character for me to do something so different and risky. I’m normally so careful and safe. People will judge me and then what if it all goes wrong? What if it fails, I screw up? Then I’m going to look stupid and everyone will laugh and I will wish I’d stuck to what I was doing. Nah I think I’ll forget about it, for now at least”.
Yes that thing. Turn off the negative committee in your head and go do it!
Your comfort zone is where nothing grows. Its safe and predictable and it means you will keep living as you are with little to cause you stress, anxiety or motivate you to pursue your passions. Isn’t life worth more than that? Isn’t our time here too short to play it safe and never experience the fullness of life. Yes it means that sometimes things might not work out as we had hoped and that can be hard to deal with but in that experience comes growth and without darkness, there can be no light.
Outside of your comfort zone there is uncertainty, yes, but when you choose to never experience the anxiousness and excitement of making change, your world stays small and your personal growth is stunted because your experiences in life are limited and the more you avoid change the scarier it becomes so the fear grows.
If you want to make changes but fear is holding you back, start by making a list of all the things you have wanted to do, a bucket list if you will, of things big and small. Pick one thing off that list and challenge yourself to make it happen. It can be something as simple as learning to play an instrument or running a 5k but whatever it is, make a commitment to achieve it. Get your friends to join you and make it fun!
Another way to start living outside of your comfort zone is to change up your routine. Routine can be good but if its too rigid it maybe stifling. For example if you work from home, take yourself off to a new environment and work in a coffee shop for the day. Spontaneity helps you to get out of a rut and get used to that feeling of anxious excitement at trying something new and out of the blue. Control is lessened because there are more small unknowns to contend with, will the coffee shop be busy? Will I get a seat? etc…..
Face your fears. Think about the fear that is holding you back, what is it you are most scared of? Maybe its a fear of public speaking or within larger groups at work that frightens you, make a decision to try and say something in each meeting at work or look up local speaking in public courses to give you the skills to overcome that fear. Take action on how you are going to address those fears, with small steps to push your boundaries and get used to feeling that uncertainty that change brings and embracing it.
If you stay in your comfort zone you will never know what your really capable of. When you leave that safe space you start to step into your potential. There’s is so much you can do with this life, don’t get to the end and wish you had but fear has left you with regrets. You will always regret more what you didn’t do, than what you did even when it never turned out quite how you wanted.
Throughout all change, a positive mindset is key. Be optimistic and most importantly kind to yourself, if you find something hard, that’s ok! You took the first step and next time it will be easier. See failure as a lesson and set yourself goals along the way. It’s easier to do all of this when you surround yourself with positive likeminded people who will motivate and cheer you on. Look at your circle of friends and family and spend time with people who will support you in achieving your goals not make it harder.
My last post got me thinking about the other passion in my life. Music. Why, because as much as writing is becoming therapeutic to me, music has been my therapy my whole life. I listen to music and it has the power to lift me out of a funk, take me back to a moment in time and motivate and inspire me. Music can also bring back painful memories and take us to places that are difficult, times and people we miss and remind us of loss. There are songs I find hard to listen to now because of how raw those memories are but with time, those songs become the soundtrack to our lives a reminder of times we cherish for many reasons .
I am the kind of person that needs to hear the lyrics. They are important. If a song is special to me I need to listen to what it is saying. If it resonates with me, it goes on my playlist. I connect to moments in my life through music. The song played at my sons funeral was “Thank you for the days” by Kirsty McColl. That song summed up how I felt. A gratitude for having had my son in my life, the lessons he taught me and memories of our short time together which I cherish. I didn’t want a song that was too sad, so it felt perfect. I couldn’t listen to that song for so many years without becoming emotional. Today I can and it makes me smile. Time is a healer.
Kirsty McColl – Thank you for the days
After my son, Jermaine passed away, I would listen to Angel by Sarah McLachlan. I can remember many a time curled up on my bed, crying, listening to the words. I needed that song to express how hard things felt at that time. The lyrics comforted me to think he was with the angels and by my side in my dark hours, which were plenty.
Angel – Sarah McLachlan
We all have a soundtrack to our lives don’t we?
Music makes me happy too, honestly! If I’m sad I play upbeat tunes which lift my mood, I dance round the kitchen and force myself to feel good. Ok, sometimes I crumble after but for a time it works and it has to be LOUD. My children are 13, 20 and 23 years old and they all constantly turn my music down. Total role reversals in our family. Ok I am a little deaf but I like to immerse myself in my music. I feel the lyrics. The amount of times I’ve got into the car with my kids and the music comes on as I had it the day before when I was alone: usually LOUD. The tuts and huffs and “you’re so embarrassing” comments.
When I drive my daughter to school and she wants to get out the car, I’m given “the death stare” which means – turn the music down before I open the door. I don’t want my friends hearing your uncool music! Funny though!
Then there is when I run, which I do 3/4times a week, there has to be music. I’ve tried podcasts and I’ve tried to run without music but the beat and the rhythm keep me going. When I run, I process my day, I cry, I dance, I feel and I look like a loony tune to people who pass me by, but it helps me. The physical exercise and music is a release. My favourite song to run too at the moment is “Never gonna not dance again” by Pink. I dance away whilst running and it puts a spring into my pace and usually helps me to pick up the pace for longer, which is always a bonus at my stage of life.
Pink – Never gonna not dance again
I recently found out from my older sister, my dad, who died when I was 8 years old loved to sing. My memories of him are sketchy if I’m honest but my sister told me she remembers him getting up on the stage at The Conservative Club they went to often and singing mainly Frank Sinatra songs. That makes me smile, to think maybe my love for music comes from him plus who doesn’t love a bit of Frank?
Recently going through my divorce, the situation required some strong woman vibes and empowerment. “This is Me” from The Greatest Showman would be on a loop on my playlist and many Beverley Knight songs. Beverley has an impressive “strong woman” vibe. Her songs just scream empowered woman and sometimes that’s just what you need in these situations. One that got tons of play and still does is “Made it Back” but also, “The queen of starting over”. If you’re a woman that needs something to make you feel you can take on the world, definitely go have a listen.
So to sum up I’d say the other therapy in my life is music. Music is SOOOO good for the soul, a great outlet for emotions and a way to hold onto memories and people, sometimes painful but often also full of happiness and love.
What songs would make the soundtrack of your life?
I’ve been feeling all the emotions the last few days. I feel sad, disappointed and just pretty much broken hearted and that prompted a conversation with my middle son yesterday. We were both sat at the kitchen table and my son, who is a psychology student, was giving me a pep talk because he could see I was struggling with emotions that were starting to make it difficult for me to motivate myself. He is 20 years old and for someone so young, full of amazing advice but lacking in the experience to back it up. I on the other hand have an absolute ton of experience, so between us we can usually talk things out and it helps, for the most part.
We talked about the fact that I have always felt things deeply. I go “all in” with my emotions and feelings and don’t really know how not too. That means I experience the good times as amazing but in contrast the difficult times can be tough to get through. I suppose I just don’t do things by halves. My ex husband used to say I was always on an emotional rollercoaster but I can see now that maybe due to the fact that he was on the opposite end of the spectrum and was great at shutting his emotions away. I felt enough for both of us! How I would love to be able to turn the intensity of those feelings down when things are hard, maybe learn to box those emotions up and store them locked away tightly in a dusty recess of my mind. Can’t other people do that? I thought so from observing friends and family, reading books and watching tv, everyone seems so much more capable of balancing how they feel. Other people just seem to be able to handle their emotions better, or at least it seems so. So I question myself, Is this something I need to train myself to do?
Well my son told me “he didn’t think it worked like that” and this is just who I am. My personality is that I’m a sensitive, an empath, some may say. Sitting opposite us during this conversation was my daughter. She is 13 years old and I see her and how she is navigating the emotions of adolescence, the hormones, her personality and sensitive nature and It’s like replaying my own youth. A tough time. She feels deeply and is a deep thinker and has learnt to adapt to the feelings of others around her. She can read the room and naturally tries to make others feel ok if something is “off”. She has seen me do that and it can drain you if you practice it throughout life. Would she have always had that ability or was it learnt from me? Have I magnified it? I wish I’d learnt earlier in life to not feel responsible for other peoples emotions, to not feel responsible for making other feel comfortable because when you learn that early in life, and practise that behaviour routinely as you become an adult, you lose yourself, you stop expressing who you are in order to make everyone around you happy. Being yourself is a skill and knowing you are not responsible for how people respond to you or feel about you comes with confidence and self worth. I am working on instilling this in my daughter, now I’ve finally learnt it myself at 47! What other people think of you is really none of your business. I hope I can teach that to my daughter now.
So today when scrolling social media I watched a short clip of a man saying he feels deeply too. He talks about speaking with his therapist about this and explaining to them that he wishes he could sit with his emotions in the middle of the scale rather than with the highs and lows and what his therapist replied really spoke to me. His therapist said if you imagine a heart monitor, its going up and down and if you were to put it in the middle, you would be flatlining. Life is about the highs and lows and when you are in a high you know that life will bring you the opposite at some point.
Who wants to live their life flatlining? Feel the excitement, passion, be enthusiastic, open your heart to love and when the lows come, you will learn from them, they will be hard but you will come out the other side stronger and with a wisdom and appreciation for life and the simple things. Its helped me to understand that my sensitivity to life’s rollercoaster of emotions is not necessarily a negative. I am thankful that I can experience the excitement at the simple things. For me, I believe life is an experience, not all of it will be wonderful but your mindset is what makes it bearable. So I will keep leaning into those emotions, stay open to all experiences and positive about what those experiences good or bad bring into my life and hopefully teach my daughter the same.
What is home for you? Is it where you live now? Or is where you grew up always the place that pulls at your heart strings and deserves the title of home? Home for me is more about the feeling and people around me than a particular building but much of that is because my current home is the one I’ve never really settled into and knew my marriage was on the rocks the day we moved in so now it feels like a pawn in the game of divorce.
My childhood home in North London – Harrow has the fondest memories for me and I still feel my roots are there despite many friends leaving and moving away, as well as myself and my family. My mum though still resides on the estate where I grew up and when I visit I feel comfortable and just a sense of “home”. My mum lives opposite the primary school I went to and the community centre I frequented weekly at “kids club”. Will it still feel like home, when my mum is no longer there? I don’t know. The area has changed, the people have changed, the community is more disjointed but my memories of a fabulous childhood remain. Outdoor summers, manhunt and British Bulldog, the ice cream van and coming home when it started to get dark. It was a childhood that felt free and full, which I’m thankful that I experienced before the advent of social media, mobile phones and all that goes along with it.
My childhood home I can remember in detail. The decor, fireplace that I would sit in front of with my sister and melt our chocolate digestives, leaving chocolate marks on the bars. The toilet downstairs that I would be so scared to use in the middle of the night. I’d come down, flush and run like crazy so the boogie man didn’t get me! Neighbours knocking on the door to borrow 50ps to put in the electric meter daily, everyone helping each other out and knowing who lived in every house on the estate. Community was important. Life was simple. Am I romanticising my memories? Do I have rose tinted spectacles on when I describe life growing up and my home on the estate in Harrow? Maybe. I’m sure there were a lot of hardships too but as a child I don’t recall them. I had no real worries and isn’t that what your childhood memories should be? So I guess I’m blessed.
The bungalow we live in now needs a lot of work but more significantly there has been a lot of heartache here. That has tarred my memories and probably how I feel about the years we have spent here. When the time comes to sell and move into a home of my own I’m sure I’ll feel a sense of excitement as well as trepidation at doing that alone. The excitement is tangible though and I look forward to making a home for myself and my kids that works for us and that is looked after and welcoming for family and friends because for me that’s what makes the memories and happy times and turns those four walls from a house into a “home”. As much as we can love a building and pour some of ourselves into the decoration and upkeep, a home is the memories made by the people within it, that is what I believe and what is imprinted on my memories so fondly from my childhood. It isn’t the “things” we had in our house or how great it looked, its the time and experiences with my family and friends that made it special.
Unravelling My Own Bulls#*t! 