A love that wraps you up tightly in peace, security and stability. Where there is no room for doubt. No room for feelings of uncertainty that push you to try harder, be better, look prettier. Where there is no second guessing if it’s the “right” thing to say, the “right” way to be and which version of you is lovable today. Am I too loud, too obvious, not feminine enough, not caring enough, too motivated, too much?? or just not enough??
A love that takes your hand and holds it tightly, that gently reassures with fingers intertwined.
A love that allows you to be the person your soul needs to be. The girl you were born to be. The girl who snorts and giggles loudly, whose style changes along with her mood because boxes keep you trapped and small but this love gives you wings to expand and grow.
A love that listens because its curious about everything in your life: your childhood, past, mistakes, fears, hopes, dreams, all of it, all of you. No judgements, no disapproval, just a desire to know everything about you and the events that have brought you to be here, just as you are at the right time, for this love. Acceptance for what is.
A love that stays when struggles arrive, that stands beside you and never waivers. The lighthouse in the storm, guiding you back home, with steadfast strength. Always there, trustworthy and loyal. You trust this love will not walk away. This is what safe feels like.
A love that allows you to grow, work on yourself, pursue your passions. When you are figuring out exactly who you are and why, this love supports that self development, adores seeing you shine so brightly because you are remembering who you are. This love celebrates growth for both of you, encourages it!
A love that works as a team, always there, always got your back, encouraging, supporting, communicating, cheering you on and caring but secure enough to allow you space to be your individual self. Love with no jealousy, just proud of this two person team and what you are each achieving… alone and together.
Whatever you are going through, it feels like the world is ending and you can’t go on but remember this is a moment, a minut part of the great expanse of your life. This tiny piece of your puzzle is one of 1000’s that make up the complete picture and it has its part but it is just a piece. That full picture wouldn’t be the same, without this pain and what you learn from it will help make your picture perfect.
Every bad event that has happened in your life so far you have come through. Your track record for getting back up and carrying on is exemplary. This time I know it feels worse, the lack of control, you feel like you are suffocating with no one to help but you know if you are totally honest with yourself that’s because you have pushed everyone away. You need to let people in. You can’t do this alone. And this is one time in your life that you need support and that’s ok. You’ve been there for others, its your turn.
This is a minut moment………
It feels like you are being torn apart and that the pain in your head and heart is unbearable but I promise you this will not last.
Take a deep breath.
And another.
Cry if you need, sob, let it out, but what I need you to do is reach out to someone. I don’t wanna hear that there isn’t anyone. If you believe that then pick up the phone and call the Samaritans. I just want you to talk. Out loud. To someone who is not embroiled in your emotions because they are making you feel worse. Speak to someone about what is making this feel so painful, the anger, loss, disappointment, heartache, let it all out because all locked up inside of you it is doing way too much damage. Its festering and eating away at all the good thoughts, the kindness you have and turning into bitterness that is toxic. Let the poison out..
Be vulnerable. Stop holding it in, face it all head on and let your friends and family stand beside you and help. That is real strength. Being able to lean on others and let them help you pick up the pieces, that takes guts. Especially when you have never allowed anyone so closely into your darkness before. Feelings will not just go away, when you bottle them up, they don’t just disappear. They are there waiting for some way to escape, like a pressure cooker waiting for a release and it will happen, when you least expect it.
I know deep down inside there is a part of you that knows you have a lot to give. There’s a part of you that knows despite your mistakes you deserve to be loved and give love. It’s ok to get it wrong. We all do it. What’s important is that we learn and grow from it and become a better version of ourselves so we don’t repeat those mistakes. So learn. Say you are sorry, apologise, make things right but most importantly forgive yourself. I guarantee you when you clean yourself up and show everyone you are working on yourself, those who really love you will be SO proud of you and support you. Those who don’t, aren’t your people. Let them go. When the shit hits the fan, that is when you can really distinguish the people who should have a place at your table moving forward and those who are no longer getting an invitation to join you.
Learning and growth can be messy and painful but you are strong and it is a better pain than repeating this cycle, like Groundhog Day. It’s a pain with an ending, a pain that you will work through and come out the other side of ready to be there for others.
It’s worth it. It’s what you are here for.
So take a deep breathe, reach out and start healing. Face those demons. Stop fighting it. Show everyone how strong you are. Show your kids that with vulnerability comes strength. Lead by example and make them proud.
I believe in you. I know you don’t believe me but I do but it has to come from you.
The art of creating problems, that weren’t even there.
So its has become clear to me throughout my life but more so in the last year how much I value clear honest communication. I am an overthinker. If someone isn’t clear in what they are saying to me, if there is the tiniest bit of uncertainty in what they mean or they leave things left unsaid, my brain will fill in the gaps left by ambiguity. It will literally come up with complex scenarios based on my past experiences that may not have involved anyone in the conversation.
I realise honesty can be tricky sometimes, for fear of hurting someone and yeah, sometimes its painful but nothing is more painful or confusing than dealing with the daily scenarios that can go round an overthinkers head, that are probably untrue and can be avoided with a clear conversation.
If like me you are a sensitive overthinker or empath you may also be picking up on peoples energy. When you feel something isn’t right, someone is nervous, annoyed, agitated or unsure but it isn’t openly communicated that is an opportunity for an overthinkers mind to take over and work its magic. The brain begins to go over every possible scenario as to why the person they are with is feeling uncomfortable, looking for ways to prevent hurt, pain, disappointment but really the truth would be the best way to prevent those outcomes.
Someone who overthinks a problem, probably believes they will eventually find a solution but an overthinker will worry and ruminate on the problem creating uncomfortable emotions with no solution in sight. A problem solver however, would be focusing on productive action and ultimately a way to fix the problem, both have two very different mindsets. I’m sure we have all experienced a problem that we are unable to stop thinking about and know how that feels. It can be all consuming and the mental energy can leave you drained and with little in the tank left to take action and possibly improve the situation. Looking for a solution and positive action is clearly a better way to focus your energy and look after your own wellbeing.
If you know overthinking is an issue for you, try distraction as a way of keeping it at bay. Rather than sitting and dwelling, go and do something to take a break from your thoughts, go for a walk, bake a cake, read a book, whatever works best for you. Sometimes that is enough to get yourself focused on something more productive and away from those negative thought cycles.
It has helped me recently to really challenge what I’m thinking. So simply ask yourself “Are these thoughts based on fact?” “What do I know to really be true?” This can be enough to give me some perspective on the situation and look at what is real and what is a story in my head that I’m replaying.
Practising meditation is a skill that has helped to clear my mind and combat overthinking. Just 10 minutes of meditation can have a positive impact on your thought processes and with practice you can learn to use breathing and bring your thoughts back to a positive place. As little as 10 mins meditation a day can create a practice that helps you create more balance and control over your thoughts.
Ultimately having an awareness of when you are overthinking is really key to stopping it in its tracks and then you can use some of the techniques above to challenge your thoughts, distract yourself and overcome it.
Stop worrying about the what if’s and focus on what is in front of you. Be present and grounded and live for the moment. That is when you will find real happiness, right here and now.
You forgot you’re worth there for a minute didn’t you? That’s ok. It happens but time to fix your hair, stand up tall again, dust yourself off and remember what you deserve. Let that smile shine through again, bring that sassiness back out and show the world who you really are.
Get up, look life in the eye and stop wallowing in self doubt because you know how much you have to give and how strong you are, don’t you? Look at all you have been through. Look at what you are still overcoming and after everything that has been thrown at you, this has the power to bring you down? Not today girl. Not happening! Stop allowing other peoples actions, feelings, opinions or struggles to bring your own insecurities out. Get up.
Forget what is going on with anyone else. That is their journey and you know you can’t fix them. That’s not your job. So stop repeating the same lessons over and over and take control of your own journey again, with both hands and your big girl pants on!
Time to gain perspective again, bring it back to the here and now and how flippin’ amazing you are!
Take a deep breath…
..and remember, whenever those feelings start to creep back in repeat after me “I will no longer accept less than I deserve” and mean it.
Something amazing is coming. I know you can feel it. You have so much potential and you are ready to bring it all into fruition but you can’t do that when you are hanging onto past hurt and regret. You wont be able to hold onto it. Let go and make space for it in your mind, heart and life. Adjust your mindset and turn back up the positively awesome meter.
When your mindset shifts, watch what happens. Life is going to change for the better.
He was supposed to come into your life you know. You weren’t looking and neither was he, but your lives were meant to collide. You felt that spark, the connection, you could be yourself with him and he wanted you to be.
You spent many nights, talking, laughing, listening to music, learning about each others story and the people you are. The thing is the more you learnt, the more you connected and this unexpected crossing of each others paths, became something that you weren’t intending it too.
But life doesn’t make things simple. Once emotions take hold, you can’t pretend they never arrived. If so, things would be easier, so much simpler. If you could put them back in a box and go back to the beginning, would you let it play out the same again? Would you take it so much slower, be more careful with both your battered hearts?
The thing is you are both healing from heartbreak. You are both on a journey that’s at different stages but oh, if you were both in the right place, it would be a ride! You’ve felt it and hope he has too. That knowledge doesn’t help either. Right person, wrong time. That hurts because why would you wanna know that if this was 6 months, a year down the line it would work out? How does that help how you feel. It doesn’t. It just feels like a bad joke. That isn’t funny. Just sad.
Those feelings though, felt right and yes, maybe you both shouldn’t have let the “what will be, will be” attitude take over. The sensible thing, probably would have been to think a little more, take a bigger step back, but when something feels right that’s not so easy to do.
Instead you went a little deeper, opened yourself up a little more, in hindsight, too much, maybe. But you always go “all in”. You don’t do “half-arsed”, especially when it comes to feelings. You give it your all and then some, but that means if it doesn’t work out as expected, you hurt like hell too.
So yes, it seems, you shouldn’t have rushed in, that his heart is still healing and isn’t ready for yours. You are wishing you had reigned it in, just a little, just not given so much of your fragile heart out because now it’s in pieces.
Who knows, maybe, down the road, in a while, you will both be perfectly aligned. The timing, your healing, your journeys will be in sync.
When someone describes you as selfish, it feels like a harsh criticism doesn’t it? There’s almost a recoiling of horror that someone could describe you as such. Being described as selfless, is less harsh but as a woman, I can say it often describes a way of living that is likely to leave you, used up, worn and rung out from giving so much to others: time, love and support. So why not work on being self-full? A place where you are making sure you are taken care of first and full to the brim so that you can give and support others without putting your own wellbeing at risk.
Self love is a term used widely and taking care of what you need first by loving your mind, body and spirit is essential for you to be there for others. Loving yourself does not require you to take love away from others, as is often believed, it means that you will be able to give more when you are taking time for yourself. Time for yourself can come in many forms, depending on what it is you personally require in your life. It may mean working out, eating better, meditating, taking time to be alone, doing what you love, setting boundaries or saying “no” when you need to. It may mean working on yourself, journaling, inner child work or therapy to heal your wounds.
Being selfish is described as “concerned excessively with oneself: seeking or concentrating on ones own advantage without regard for others”. Selfishness would mean you are putting others in harms way or last and that you were disregarding what is good for others to focus on yourself but that is not the intention here. The intention, just like the airplane rule of putting your oxygen mask on first so you can help your children, is that if you are full to the brim with what you need, you can do so much more for others.
Being self-full is positive selfishness and is in fact a generous mindset. If there is no water in your own well, you can’t give anyone else a drink either. Your own wellbeing and mental health is incredibly important for the quality of your support to your family. Some people in your life may view prioritising yourself as selfish but could that be because they wanted to be prioritised first, above you? Selfish?
You maybe prioritising others because it makes you feel good about yourself. It may come from a need to be wanted and liked, this may come from a wound within you that needs healing and addressing from your childhood or relationships in the past. If you feel like putting everyone else first, when it clearly was detrimental to what you wanted and your health has been an issue for you in the past, be honest and take a good look inward at why this is. Is it something you need to address from your past?
Or have the people around you made you feel guilty if you don’t put everyone else first? Do you feel pressure to be the glue that fixes and holds the family together, solves problems and keeps everyone safe and well. Who then does this for you?
Start to do this for yourself, show your kids by example that if they take care of themselves they will never be placing their health and wellbeing in someone else’s hands. Remember you won’t always be a priority to others, even those closest to you will have reasons and underlying motives for asking things of you. That is why you have to be a priority to yourself. Learn to respect yourself, take care of yourself and become your own support system.
Your needs matter. Start meeting them.
Choose yourself, so you can then choose to be there for others.
Picture:My son who had cerebral palsy on my mums lap along with my nephew. One of my favourite family pictures.
The most positive thing a family member has done for me, is shown me the value of difference.
My son and mum both taught me that no matter who you are, what your strengths are, what you look like, how you communicate and learn, you are valuable and important and you have something to contribute to this life.
Everyone no matter what their ability, age, gender, size or anything else has something inherently amazing to bring to the lives of others. In todays society we value how much money you make, the size of your house, how many followers you have, how attractive you are… There is so much more to life and I am so thankful, that I learnt that at a young age from the closest people to me in my life.
You may not have the education others do, but can still teach the people in your life so much more than Maths and English. You may not learn in the same way, it may take you longer or you may never be able to understand how to write an essay or add and subtract but what you teach others about connection, patience and acceptance in a world lacking in all three is so much more valuable.
You may not look the same as everyone else in society and because of that you are ridiculed and shunned but what you can teach others about the value of difference, self worth, judgement and love is gold. When you step out into the world and embrace who you are, you are giving others the confidence to do the same behind you. You are crushing peoples stereotypes, judgements and fear about who and what groups of people should look like and what that says about them and supporting more accepting communities by doing so. It matters.
Picture:Me and my boy
You may not be able to communicate your wishes in the same way as others but that does not mean that you should not be heard. You have the right to make decisions and choices about your own life and no one should override or disregard that. Shout and make your voice heard. Find your advocates and supporters and join arms with them. Show the world your views count!
You may not be able to move as fast or in the same way as others but that does not mean you should not have opportunities to do so. You have the right to the same access to fun, holidays, shops, transport and communities need reminding of this. So get out there and make a fuss, do it all and make them feel awkward when you can’t because your strength is paving the way for others.
When you have differences in todays society, everything becomes that little bit harder and more often than not a lot harder. You are constantly fighting to get the same freedoms, resources, access, conversations as everyone else. I am grateful that I saw that through being my mums ears and communicator and my sons everything, always support someone’s voice to be heard, you could be that extra bit of fight and strength they needed to keep going today.
Sometimes having one person who listens, smiles and actually helps you to find a way, is all you need.
Lets be that person today.
Give the person who is tired of the constant fight hope that sometimes, people listen.
Where do you sit on the spectrum? Optimist, Pessimist? or Realist maybe?
I like to consider myself an optimist as I believe I always try and see the positive in situations and a life full of opportunities rather than challenges. From childhood through to an adult I’ve never found it difficult to look on the bright side of things, even in the face of some pretty difficult times. That is probably due in part to the fact that I genuinely believe that we are here to learn and grow and every struggle we go through is an opportunity for self development.
Our mindset and thoughts are more responsible for the joy in our life over and above the actual circumstances of our lives and our struggles. If we can see the positive in things, we can weather the darkest storms. When our thoughts tend to veer towards pessimism, we feel less resilient and able to cope whereas a more positive outlook, research shows, can actually reduce depression and low mood.
I have found myself recently though, struggling to stay in a thankful and positive zone when something feels good or hopeful. This happened to me yesterday and instead of being happy and thankful, that maybe things were improving, I got scared that I was heading for another disappointment. The thing is, the last 18 month period has been a barrage of struggles, obstacles and change. Nothing has been straightforward and it feels pretty relentless. It hasn’t really been the problems, its been the non stop consistency of one thing after another. That kind of ongoing, stress and disappointment has an affect on you. Every time recently I have felt things may be turning a corner, something else has shown up to knock me back down. Pretty soon your brain begins to expect bad things, almost as a protection for the constant hurt and disappointment. So when I did see something potentially positive approaching my rear view mirror of life yesterday, I found myself immediately start to say to myself “don’t expect this to happen Kaz, something will go wrong”.
There is a difference I suppose, between being a pessimist and being realistic. Sometimes when dealing with someone or a situation that has been continually difficult, you need to be realistic about your expectations otherwise you will be setting yourself up for more hurt in the name of optimism. There comes a point where realism needs to take over and that is totally needed when a continued positive outlook would allow others to continue to take advantage.
Maybe realistic optimism is the best way forward. Stay realistic when dealing with people and situations that have hurt or disappointed you before but never forget all things are possible with the right mindset and attitude. Seems like a good balance to work towards.
If you are finding you’re struggling with a negative outlook, adjusting small thought patterns and actions can help. Our mind is responsible for so much of the joy, stress and anxiety in our lives.
Try and enjoy the everyday small things in life. Don’t wait for the holiday in 6 months, or when you retire. Go do the things you love today: go for a walk, sing, dance, see friends etc… Loving those everyday things will increase the joy in your life immediately,, so why wait?
Look for the beauty in all things. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but spend time with what is beautiful to you. It maybe a walk in nature, enjoying your favourite music, art or a sunset.
Imagine yourself attaining or experiencing what you desire. Imagination/ visualisation is a powerful tool and can really make you feel your goals are within reach and help you stay motivated. Feel the emotions of achieving what happiness and contentment is for you and imagine how that will happen. What does that look like for you? Where are you? Who is with you? Visualise and experience it. It helps to cement in your mind what you really want and need to feel happy and motivates you to achieve it.
Practice gratitude. Make a daily practice of being thankful for 3 things in your life. If you are feeling grateful and appreciating what you have, it is almost impossible to become negative.
Be kind to yourself. The way you talk to yourself has a huge impact on how you feel. Positive self talk will make it easier to feel great and positive about your day.
Be creative. Find a creative past time and do more of it. Let those creative juices run free, Enjoy it. Don’t worry about the end result. Focus on the present and enjoy the journey of creating your masterpiece.
Be a positive role model, at home with your kids, at work and within your circle. When you behave like the positive person you would like your children to be, you are likely to become that person and you are modelling a fantastic way of life for the special people in your life.
Lastly surround yourself with positive people. We have all been around people who drain our energy. They see everything as a negative that is happening to them. Surround yourself with people who switch it up, see the flip side. People who see difficult experiences as a way of making way for the life you have been dreaming about and if it’s not what you want, you have the responsibility and power to change it at any given moment. Get rid of blame and shame and start with responsibility and self belief.
You know, if they were gonna change, level up and become what you have been hoping for it would have happened by now, don’t you? I know, you’ve been hoping for so long, you don’t want to give up, but girl, do you still wanna be hoping in another 10 years? Do you wanna wake up and realise you are still in the exact same position a decade from now?
You see the best in people. Your empathetic nature wants to support and fix people. Someone who needs that is attractive to you but it also makes you blind to the red flags. When you are looking out for and caring for him, you are missing all the warning signs that everyone around you can see loud and clear. You want what you’re hoping for to be true and you create that truth in your head but you need to deal with the facts.
You cant help to fix anyone who doesn’t wanna be fixed. More love isn’t gonna do it. He has to take responsibility for his own journey. Walking away from someone who needs help is the hardest thing for you to do, I know. Its not in your nature and that is exactly why you have hung on so tightly, for so long but once you are out of the thick of it, I promise you will see more clearly how much of yourself you are giving away for something that will never be what you want.
If you stopped working so hard to fix everything, what do you think would happen? honestly? If the answer is nothing, then doesn’t that tell you a lot? Isn’t this all very one sided? Is he fighting for this as much as you are?
Yes, he maybe a “good” man but that doesn’t mean he is the man for you. You are growing, developing, working on yourself. You need someone working alongside you with the same self love and zest for life. You deserve someone supportive and willing to fight for you and what you have, work with you and on themselves. Stop allowing someone to give you less than you deserve.
Create space for someone who deserves you, to come and find you. You’re heart is holding so much space for someone who is not claiming it and there is no room for anything else right now.
If you are anything like me, you will find it harder to think of something you love about yourself than list the things you would like to change. We are generally so much more critical of ourselves than of others. We can pick out all the physical attributes that we want to change instantly but when we need to pick what’s wonderful about ourselves the list is very small or non existent.
There is a feeling of being conceited and self centred if we love our bodies too much, a fear others will think we are big headed and vain, when in reality we should be encouraging such self love in our children. Loving our bodies and leading by example to teach our kids to embrace their differences and talk openly about what is great about themselves and others. That kind of open positive self talk fosters a level of self worth and confidence which will mean they know they are worthy of respect. We will be bringing up children who are not ashamed of how they look, who others will find it difficult to tread on, stifle or belittle because they love them selves enough not to stick around and put up with that kind of disrespect.
When I was a young woman if I had the money, I’m pretty sure I would have looked into getting a breast enhancement. I felt I was small and found it embarrassing because society had convinced me that being more voluptuous was womanly, sexy and more attractive. I lacked confidence in myself and this seemed like a way to solve my confidence issues. Off course I can see it wouldn’t have been and would I have done it if I was able? I’m not sure. Now as a 47 year old woman I can say I am so thankful I never went down that route. Thank goodness I couldn’t afford it! I now love myself just as I am and I genuinely mean that (physically at least), it’s not just me joining the self love bandwagon, its something I’ve worked on and strived for. The only difference between now and the 20 year old Kaz though in reality is confidence and a small but slow growth of love for my body.
That growth in confidence affects the way you carry yourself. When you don’t like how you look very much you shrink and hide and you emit an energy of self doubt. When you feel more self assured there is naturally better eye contact and more smiles and laughter. You are more relaxed and with that, when asked what I love most about myself, I would have to say my smile. I realise that I love my smile more than anything and once that happened others noticed it too.
I have the same smile I had when I was in my 20’s, its no different but back then, I was less confident, looked down, avoided eye contact and my energy was of anxiety and fear. As I have matured, learnt, grown, my energy has changed, I’ve mastered the “fake it till you make it” vibe and I no longer hope no one will talk to me and feel self conscious. My smile hasn’t changed but my confidence and self esteem has increased and that has changed my energy. In recent years the number one comment I receive is “you have a lovely smile” and I can honestly say that never happened before I hit 40 years old and it is a testament to the fact that how you feel about yourself really does change your energy and vibe.
So my answer to the question what do I love most about myself?
My smile, but what I really love is the years of experiences and self development which built my confidence and self worth in order for me to allow my smile to shine through!
Unravelling My Own Bulls#*t! 