Tag: family

bereavement · friendship · grief · Inspiration · parenthood · relationships · self care · self development · self love

A little like you…

The real Kaz4 Comments

I think I got my confidence from you. I’m guessing, ‘cos it doesn’t run through mum’s side of the family. Women on mum’s side are shy, anxious, still strong but worry about the world and what will happen when they’re gone. I have that less, so I guess that may come from you, at least I hope. It comforts me to think I can recognise some of your traits in me.

I’m told you were confident, you could strongly voice your point of view. You weren’t scared to speak up in a crowd and enjoyed a debate or two. Ok, so I can’t quite say that’s me, but what I will say is true, I have a strength and desire to break through this shyness and speak my truth. Maybe I wouldn’t have had that with out you as my dad. Maybe I would just have accepted that this was who I am and sat back.

I like to think It’s from you that inner determination runs through me and I hope now I’m wiser and more confident, you can see that too. I know you loved books, loved to read, poems too. I can definitely say I love the written word too.

I try and remember you from when I was young but the memories are foggy, untrustworthy. Is it a memory or a story I’ve been told about you? I’m unsure. I want them all to be memories but there are only a few of which I’m really sure.

The scent of your roll up tobacco from a Golden Virginia tin box, that you would sit and roll out with, your legs crossed. Dressed in old work jeans but with a shirt that never really seemed to match. Then I remember your smile, when a glimpse of me you’d catch.

I wish my kids got to meet you, damn I wish I had more time with you myself, but my kids would have just flourished with your guiding hand or advice instead. Maybe I would have had more strength to make changes with you by my side but I’ve learnt to harness my own courage and sometimes I just know you are there as my guide.

Almost like you are standing right behind me with a hand on my shoulder, nudging me to be brave, do the hard thing, that’s when I feel you. When I have a choice that is difficult, just willing and whispering in my ear to chose the tough road because that leads to growth and change too.

Telling me to stand strong.

Don’t give up.

Shoulders back, head up and you won’t go wrong.

I’m thankful for the parts of me that are from you. It helps me to feel you are close. Through these rough times I would have loved to have you here with me, to know you were beside me taking care of me but you are within me.

I am your daughter and that is enough ‘cos that means I’m tough!

career · Education · friendship · Inspiration · parenthood · parenthood · self care · self development · self love

High school taught me….

The real KazLeave a comment

That I didn’t “fit in”

The older I’ve become, the more I wonder if we all feel this way in some respect during those difficult teenage years. Does anyone actually feel totally accepted and comfortable in their own skin and social group throughout their teenage years?

For me, my home life seemed “different” to others. My dad had died when I was 8 years old and my mum was deaf. Both of those things made me self conscious at parents evenings. Mum couldn’t communicate like the other parents, dad wasn’t there. Two things that were enough to make me feel I stood out like a sore thumb. In reality, I didn’t. No one really took any notice or cared enough about my situation at home. Everyone has something that makes them feel like they “stand out” or don’t quite “fit in”

On top of what felt to me like huge flashing beacons of difference, I was also incredibly shy and quiet. This again, created for me a huge insecurity that no one wanted to be around me. I was too quiet, awkward, no fun to be around. Of course none of which was true but that narrative took residence in my mind for a very long time. My shyness often led to situations where if I felt uncomfortable or was put in a situation where I was forced to speak up in front of many others I would go bright red in the face. This would exacerbate the more anxious and self conscious I became. I would feel like I wanted the ground to swallow me up so I could just disappear from the embarrassment of my obvious anxiety and discomfort that everyone could now physically see.

Over the years, I learnt to control this red ripening face reaction to my discomfort. I began to realise that it wasn’t as noticeable as I felt it was to others and those who did notice really didn’t care that much. This took away a lot of my anxiety and fear around this happening and allowed me to take control over how I reacted.

What I took away from High School wasn’t really a great education, I underperformed and under achieved. It wasn’t a supportive friendship group as I had a better group of friends outside of school, than inside its gates. It wasn’t a sense of belonging or safety.

For me school was just a somewhere I felt unable to find my place in, I wasn’t really a neat piece of the schools tapestry. I didn’t belong with the cool kids, because I just wasn’t cool enough. I didn’t belong with the nerdy kids, because I just wasn’t nerdy enough. I didn’t belong with the sporty kids, because I was rubbish at sport. I didn’t fit in any box reliably enough, so I existed between them all. Never really making good friends in any but being around for lots of them.

So school really only taught me to feel I didn’t “fit in”.

Inspiration · self care · self development

Simple Joys

The real KazLeave a comment

What are 5 + 1 everyday things that bring you happiness?

When I first sat down to think about this question, I thought I was going to struggle to find things that put a smile on my face because at the time of writing happiness feels a long way off. Once I began though, it was quite easy to find 5 things and harder to limit it to five, so I haven’t, I just couldn’t! All very simple things that I know help me in some way to find a spark of joy.

1 – Connection with family and friends, the people that are important to me. Spending time with my family and close friends creates memories, establishes closer bonds and that relationship and connection is what life is all about. One phone call, visit, letter or even text from a person in your circle who cares is enough to lighten any burden. Research has suggested that social isolation can increase chances of death by 50% and is more harmful to us than obesity or smoking. It is not always what we first think of in terms of our quality of life but connection with others is essential to a fulfilling life. Contact your friends and family often and if you feel you are lonely, go out and volunteer, join a class, a club but go and find likeminded souls to connect with and talk too.

2: Books bring me joy. A beautiful book, is a thing to cherish. Because of this, I just cannot enjoy reading on a kindle or other such electrical readers. To read is to feel the pages for me, to have a physical copy of a book you love and cherish, dog eared and tattered is part of the joy of reading and the books that I love will always be with me. I dream of having my own library within my home. It will have stunning books, I can touch with comfy loungers to sit and read on. Peaceful and inviting. A place of knowledge, imagination, solitude and total relaxation. If that doesn’t happen (and it’s unlikely) reading a book sat by the sea, with a coffee, the next best thing!

3: Music will make me move to the beat, sing to the lyrics and if I’m in the kitchen with my daughter, dance and sing. That’s got to make you happy! I’ve said this before but music makes the soul sing, brings back memories and people and helps us to express emotions. Sometimes those emotions are hard but with out a doubt if you are feeling down and play your favourite happy tunes it will raise your vibe and release stress. So, much the same as books, when it comes to music, I have my old vinyl records that are very precious to me. They hold so many memories and are for me, better than all other mediums to play music on. I treasure my LP’s and singles and a Sunday afternoon listening to my old music on vinyl and reminiscing is heavenly.

4: Writing – Getting my thoughts down on paper, or journaling has always been therapeutic for me. More so of late and is now a daily ritual for me. It’s a process that helps you work through events in life, or just your day, deal with your feelings, leaving you feeling lighter and more in control. Once memories, issues, challenges, emotions have been written on paper it is almost like they have been released and are easier to deal with. I think the thought processes that go into writing can help reduce overwhelm and anxiety and make your priorities clearer. When it comes to writing I have a bit of a thing for notebooks. Addiction maybe a better word. I adore a notebook to write in, pretty ones, inspirational ones, big ones, small ones, beautiful ones, any really. Just a blank notebook with a pretty cover, waiting for you to make it yours, write, scribble, doodle, plan.

5: Running/ Exercise – for me my exercise is running and that brings together 3 of my favourite things actually, running, music and the great outdoors all in one go! Although any exercise can be hard to find the motivation for on difficult days, it ALWAYS makes you feel better after and usually during too. It brings a sense of achievement and on days when you have not felt you have been very productive, that is a bonus and some space to think about and process your day, which can help anxiety and low mood. I often, cry, smile, laugh and dance on my runs too!

6: The great outdoors – walks, hikes, the sea, lakes, jut being outside lifts the spirit. I especially enjoy time by the sea but if you are feeling stressed or anxious just going outside for a walk in nature will help reduce that. If its sunny you are also getting vitamin D which is great for your bones and immune system as well as again for low mood and worry. So lace up and get outside!

Inspiration · self care · self development

Lighthouse

The real KazLeave a comment

I’m tired.

Tired to my bones.

Tired of being everyone else’s safe harbour. The one they come to for shelter in the storm. The protector, shield, that makes everyone feel heard.

Don’t get me wrong, I was born to steer my ship. Keep it sailing by nurturing all aboard her. I do not know how not too. I would be lost without her.

I’m strong. I can handle a lot. I can normally weather the strongest, raging storms but this one right now has been relentless. Every time I think it is easing it comes back with a vengeance. It has ravaged my crew and me and I am exhausted. I need a lifeboat myself. I’m embarrassed to admit it, almost ashamed but my ship feels like she’s sinking, very, very slowly.

I’m still here, supporting, listening, guiding but the tears won’t stop. I want them too. I don’t want the crew to have to see their captain failing and show my weakness. The 2nd in command has already been lost at sea, I want them to be able to rely on me, feel I will never let them down but right now that feels an insurmountable task.

They see my cracks, my mistakes, imperfections and vulnerability. I have no choice but to let those waters flow from my eyes. Impossible to plug the gaps, to prevent me sinking further.

They hold onto me tighter. Not for them this time but for me. To help me weather this storm. There is no abandoning ship as I thought, instead my tears are dried and not a word said. I can feel them stand taller, firmer and make a decision to be the lighthouse for their captain to guide her ship safely. Just for now, for a wee while.

I relax for the first time in an age, sink to my knees and let down my guard. Is it ok to let go of the helm and lay down? Just for a moment and recharge? Just for a time, I weep uncontrollably and on board this ship feel completely loved and safe. I cast my anchor down and I rest, I stop thinking of the ships needs, the crew and re-focus on myself. Completely, knowing it will be ok.

The storm clouds gradually disappear and begin to make way for rays of sunshine peeping through.

The crew hoist the sails and the ship keeps sailing, on and on.