Tag: divorce

Inspiration · relationships · self care · self development · self love

Making myself whole again….

The real Kaz2 Comments

I listened to a podcast today. It was an interview by Steven Bartlett with the Hungarian-Canadian physician and author, Dr Gabor Mate. He has a background in family practice and a special interest in childhood development, trauma and it’s potential lifelong impacts. I tuned in whilst out on a run instead of putting on my usual running playlist and zoning out to the beat. Today I had been feeling emotional on and off all day, small things would bring me to tears and randomly through the day I could feel emotion bubbling under the surface. It was almost like I needed a release, something needed dealing with but I didn’t know what.

I chose a podcast that I felt would keep me engaged and I ran, I absorbed the conversation and very quickly I was, for at least the 4th time today, crying and releasing this pent up emotion that was bottled up inside me.

Gabor talks a lot about childhood trauma, which does not need to be such a huge lifechanging distressing experience that we may associate with trauma but for a child it could be something such as not receiving affection from their care giver that can be enough over the years to give them a set of behaviours that if not addressed will cause issues in their relationships with themselves and others as they become and live as an adult, such as people pleasing and feeling responsible for keeping the peace and for everyone’s happiness around them.

What he said in the podcast which seemed to trigger me was that for some children a trauma can be when “they are not seen” by their caregivers that causes them to become people pleasers and keep the peace in order to be “good enough” for someone to love them. Cue the tears and understanding from myself.

He went on to talk about how people pleasing, being unable to say “no” or have boundaries and suppressing anger to keep the peace are the biggest reason that so many women have auto immune disorders because that unexpressed emotion creates illness. Wow! It seems that 80% of auto immune disorders diagnosed are in women and bears the question, why is that the case?

Suppressed emotion and learning it’s our job to “keep the peace” as a child can also mean there is no longer an ability to “trust our gut” that we are born with. We no longer listen to what our body tells us as we are so tuned into others and what’s going on around us. We are now looking for answers within our heads and no longer feeling it in our gut.

I have and do struggle with all of these behaviours and I have lived my life until now feeling like I have to care for others, it is my identity, it is who I am. “I would be selfish and people would not like me if I decided to really put myself first” is an ingrained thought process for me. The first time I ever really had the courage to do what was right for myself was when I ended my marriage at age 46 and filed for divorce and I was told repeatedly that this action was selfish.

I am still plagued by guilt but slowly processing my feelings and where they come from to become closer to peace and acceptance within myself. I have no doubt that I will find a way to fully accept this path I’ve been walking and who I was born to be.

In doing that I am realising that I no longer want to care for others as I have in the past, which is a difficult realisation but that’s ok. Caring and putting others before myself was almost a form of self harm, a way to make others “like” me and find value in myself.

I will always be there for my loved ones but I don’t need to prove my worth through a job caring for others or by trying to make myself responsible for everyone’s happiness around me. I can be there to support but also find my own authentic path and happiness which will lead to the peace I crave so much right now.

I am stripping away the expectations, the opinions, the behaviours, that society, my caregivers and I have placed upon myself and in doing so, remembering the girl I was born to be. Finding that true essence of myself is a slow journey but so rewarding.

friendship · Inspiration · self care · self development · self love

Days like this…

The real KazLeave a comment
Sad, overwhelming and difficult to get through but you still show up and know it’s just a day amongst a sea of better ones coming…

You get up to face another day, force a smile and go about the routine, the daily grind. Inside you feel empty, the minute your eyes open, it overwhelms you. There’s no slow introduction to the melancholy, it doesn’t creep in as the day develops. Nope. BOOM. It’s there as soon as you are conscious of a new day beginning.

You know if you sit for too long with your thoughts you will start to let them consume you, so you begin, it helps to stay occupied. Dog walk, breakfast, journal, coffee, face on, laptop on, same routine, different day. The kids slowly trundle in, big and not so big, they are pretty self sufficient but they need you to be strong, mostly you manage it, well at least this morning you do. They pass through getting ready for their day, chit chat, arguing, dogs barking, the morning chaos mounting. Until slowly, one by one, peace is restored and their day has begun out in the world, on their way for the day, school, work, university, socialising, doing their thing.

Then.

Silence. Stillness.

It feels vast, makes you uneasy.

Left with your thoughts. The worst place to be. A place that gives too much freedom to ruminate on circumstances, events and feelings. Space to think is dangerous, so its time for coffee and work mode overload. All day, work consumes. Phone calls back to back, listening to peoples problems, looking for solutions, advice, empathy and lots of coffee. Multiple cups. Large cups. On repeat.

You know you love this job, on a good day, this job rocks. It suits you, who you are but when you’re feeling this way, when your heart, chest and mind feel heavy and sad, it’s laborious. So hard to be there for others when its hard enough to be there for yourself, giving reassurance, support, a lifeline. You do though because it’s what you do best, at least when you are at your best.

When the work is done, the kids are home, you have listened to your friends problems, the dinners done, kitchen tidied, washing folded and all that’s left is for the peace and quiet of sleep.

Silence, on your quilt, finally, no one to support, no mask to wear, no one to be strong for. That’s when you know, the tears will fall, the sadness will consume you and you will let it all go. To avoid the inevitable, you switch on the tv, scroll through your phone. Distraction helps you postpone the tidal wave of emotions. Not for long though. It always catches you up, a few steps behind, chasing you quietly.

When you finally relent and switch everything off , it swallows you up, you let it all go because you can, there’s no one to see, no judgement or shame for being weak, letting the kids down, being selfish or too much. Abandon yourself to the ache that has sat in your chest all day, the tears you have held in tightly.

Cry if you must, its ok, tomorrow is a new day when you will walk the walk again. Maybe tomorrow will feel a little easier, maybe the pain will be less. Maybe tomorrow you’ll wake up and have forgotten the sadness and your smile will be genuine and full.

Tomorrow is an opportunity for something different and full of hope.

Hold onto that maybe, its important.

Just maybe.

friendship · Inspiration · relationships · self care · self development · self love

Life is short

The real KazLeave a comment

Stop waiting. Stop putting it off until the time is right. Stop expecting to know when the stars align, when the timing is perfect to make a change. That is never gonna happen. There is always gonna be a reason to wait.

Your mind is going to talk you out of taking that leap of faith because it’s trying to protect you. It will reason, question and analyse. It will come up with every excuse in the book to stick within your comfort zone where it knows you are safe. It’s hardwired that way.

The thing is taking that leap of faith needs to be practised to make it less scary. The more you do it, the less you worry about what might happen because even if it doesn’t turn out as you hoped, you know you will be ok. Others might say you have failed but have you really? You’ve tried, it hasn’t worked out, you’ve learnt how to do it better next time and can now say you gave it your best shot and live without regret.

Isn’t that better than what ifs? Always wondering if you could have done it? Would it have worked? Yes, you could be setting yourself up for some pain and hurt when you jump into something but what if that could be the best thing that ever happened to you and you walked away from it? Are you willing to risk that? What if they could have changed your life for the better? No one wants to feel hurt and pain but you know you would get through it and the potential for happiness is worth the risk, no? Jump into it, if it feels right, with gusto and enthusiasm, if you are going to do it, do it with all your being. No half ass attempts, give it your all!

Say what you want to say, don’t hold it in, don’t leave room for doubt, be honest. Spend time with the people you admire, who are positive, who are living their dreams. Do the things you want to do, seek them out, the more you look, the more opportunities you will find.

Don’t allow life to carry you along with it and never take a chance. You will go through your whole existence never really achieving or experiencing the things that light your soul up. When opportunities arise grab them, when people arrive in your life that you feel connected to embrace them, the universe brings the right opportunities, experiences and people to you at the right time for you to experience, learn and grow. Trust the process….

There is no “right” or “wrong” path to take, only what makes you happy and gives you the experiences you desire. So take them and make this life worth living. The ups, downs and plot twists along the way are the stories you can tell your grandchildren about, that you lived to the full and loved with all your heart. Show them that life is short and age, creeps up on us quickly.

Mostly, make memories because when you are gone, there’s nothing else left but what others remember. Their time with you, your essence, how you made them feel and how you lived your life.

Inspiration · relationships · self care · self development · self love

Quotes to live by….

The real KazLeave a comment

Do you have a quote that you always end up going back to for a little pep talk? Is it up on your wall or stuck in the recesses of your mind, ready to be retrieved when challenges strike and some motivation is needed?

I love a good quote and when I finally reside in a home of my own, I’m sure it will be full to the brim of quotes that I can relate to, but the quote which I seem to go back to often in the last few years and that I wish I had taken more heed of over my lifetime is:

Why this quote? I remember the first time I heard it and how it resonated with me because I have always been very good at seeing the good in people, at giving people second, third and fourth chances, after all, we all make mistakes, no? I still believe this to be true. Everyone deserves another chance because we all learn, grow and change over our lifetimes.

But I know now that life has taught me some major lessons, to believe actions over words. If someone cares, they will show it. If someone is sorry, they will prove it. Changed behaviour is the ultimate way to apologise, words are way too easy.

So even though it is still very hard and goes against the grain for me, I will look at behaviour first because I am worth more than staying in a situation where I’m hoping that things will get better based on many conversations that seem to be honest and authentic but turn out to be continually repeated behaviours in a groundhog day style.

When you hope for too long and believe words and not actions, you are taken for granted. When a simple sorry is always accepted and behaviour isn’t changed, then a belief that you will always forgive and continue with the way things are is accepted. That is when you are living on dangerous ground because when one person believes a simple “sorry” is always going to be enough, then they will never need to make an effort to make changes. Why would they? You will never force the point, so they don’t need too, right? When you are in that situation its time to challenge behaviour, set boundaries and stick to them.

Make it clear that the only apology is changed behaviour. Set a timeline and clearly state what you will and won’t accept and what you will do, if those boundaries are not respected. Be the cycle breaker.

The other quote that is SO simple but really has helped me deal with anxiety and overwhelm since hitting perimenopause is:

Quite simply that.

For me hitting the stage in life where perimenopause started to affect my hormones meant I experienced anxiety and depression that I had never experienced in my life before. It ended in a mini breakdown alongside difficult life events that were piled on top of the hormonal changes, I just shut down and went from doing everything, to being unable to take responsibility for anything. Counselling and HRT have changed that but I still occasionally need reminders to take a step back and deal with one thing at a time.

This quote is a reminder for me when I am feeling overwhelmed with the to do list, the events in my life and my feelings to focus on the next thing in front of me. Simple and effective at reducing the pressure and amount of “stuff” I am feeling, thinking and worrying about needing to complete. It helps me to take action because focusing on one thing feels manageable. When there is too much to do, I go into the mode of “its all too much and I can’t do anything” and when I hit rock bottom about 5 years ago, I lived in that mode for way too long. So its a simple but effective reminder to do ONE thing before moving onto the next…..

Sometimes simple is the most effective way forward.

What quotes do you live by in your life right now? Why do they resonate?

friendship · Inspiration · relationships · self care · self development · self love

For her, be brave..

The real KazLeave a comment

I didn’t mean for us to cause each other any pain but I think it’s too late for that.

If I could turn back the clock I would still do it again. I will never wish that we never spoke, or laughed, or shared who we are with each other. I will never wish that we could erase those times, too many memories that I’m grateful to have….

I hope that you don’t stop this letting you love. I hope you don’t build a wall even higher around your heart that is impossible to break down, because you deserve to be cherished. You deserve it more than anyone I know. When the time is right…

I say that because I know that would be easy to do. It seems hearts do need protecting. They are fragile and easily broken. I never realised how much until now. So it’s time to learn to keep mine safe. Time to establish better boundaries, not be so open, not give it so easily, because I do and I am realising that is dangerous.

This kind of hurt is scary in its nature. It can’t be shared just worked through alone but I really hope you find the person who you are willing to risk that hurt for, open up and really love. There’s so much more out there than what you have had but you’ve got to take a risk to experience it and risks aren’t your forte. I know that now but it’s the only way you are gonna experience the kind of relationship you deserve, by being vulnerable, opening up and trusting someone to take care of you as you do for them. I know that’s hard for you because why would you?

Of all the people on the planet I would have cherished your heart. I would never intentionally hurt you but I fear I may have done so, unintentionally and for that I’m truly sorry.

You deserve the best and I know that I have not said this before because I never wanted to let you go but I really hope you find that in someone. Someone who lives up to it. Let her in and trust her, when its time, she’s out there and for her, you need to be brave.

Inspiration · relationships · self care · self development · self love

A Safe Love

The real KazLeave a comment

A love that wraps you up tightly in peace, security and stability. Where there is no room for doubt. No room for feelings of uncertainty that push you to try harder, be better, look prettier. Where there is no second guessing if it’s the “right” thing to say, the “right” way to be and which version of you is lovable today. Am I too loud, too obvious, not feminine enough, not caring enough, too motivated, too much?? or just not enough??

A love that takes your hand and holds it tightly, that gently reassures with fingers intertwined.

A love that allows you to be the person your soul needs to be. The girl you were born to be. The girl who snorts and giggles loudly, whose style changes along with her mood because boxes keep you trapped and small but this love gives you wings to expand and grow.

A love that listens because its curious about everything in your life: your childhood, past, mistakes, fears, hopes, dreams, all of it, all of you. No judgements, no disapproval, just a desire to know everything about you and the events that have brought you to be here, just as you are at the right time, for this love. Acceptance for what is.

A love that stays when struggles arrive, that stands beside you and never waivers. The lighthouse in the storm, guiding you back home, with steadfast strength. Always there, trustworthy and loyal. You trust this love will not walk away. This is what safe feels like.

A love that allows you to grow, work on yourself, pursue your passions. When you are figuring out exactly who you are and why, this love supports that self development, adores seeing you shine so brightly because you are remembering who you are. This love celebrates growth for both of you, encourages it!

A love that works as a team, always there, always got your back, encouraging, supporting, communicating, cheering you on and caring but secure enough to allow you space to be your individual self. Love with no jealousy, just proud of this two person team and what you are each achieving… alone and together.

Most importantly, a love that is safe.

Inspiration · self care · self development · self love

This too shall pass

The real Kaz2 Comments

Whatever you are going through, it feels like the world is ending and you can’t go on but remember this is a moment, a minut part of the great expanse of your life. This tiny piece of your puzzle is one of 1000’s that make up the complete picture and it has its part but it is just a piece. That full picture wouldn’t be the same, without this pain and what you learn from it will help make your picture perfect.

Every bad event that has happened in your life so far you have come through. Your track record for getting back up and carrying on is exemplary. This time I know it feels worse, the lack of control, you feel like you are suffocating with no one to help but you know if you are totally honest with yourself that’s because you have pushed everyone away. You need to let people in. You can’t do this alone. And this is one time in your life that you need support and that’s ok. You’ve been there for others, its your turn.

This is a minut moment………

It feels like you are being torn apart and that the pain in your head and heart is unbearable but I promise you this will not last.

Take a deep breath.

And another.

Cry if you need, sob, let it out, but what I need you to do is reach out to someone. I don’t wanna hear that there isn’t anyone. If you believe that then pick up the phone and call the Samaritans. I just want you to talk. Out loud. To someone who is not embroiled in your emotions because they are making you feel worse. Speak to someone about what is making this feel so painful, the anger, loss, disappointment, heartache, let it all out because all locked up inside of you it is doing way too much damage. Its festering and eating away at all the good thoughts, the kindness you have and turning into bitterness that is toxic. Let the poison out..

Be vulnerable. Stop holding it in, face it all head on and let your friends and family stand beside you and help. That is real strength. Being able to lean on others and let them help you pick up the pieces, that takes guts. Especially when you have never allowed anyone so closely into your darkness before. Feelings will not just go away, when you bottle them up, they don’t just disappear. They are there waiting for some way to escape, like a pressure cooker waiting for a release and it will happen, when you least expect it.

I know deep down inside there is a part of you that knows you have a lot to give. There’s a part of you that knows despite your mistakes you deserve to be loved and give love. It’s ok to get it wrong. We all do it. What’s important is that we learn and grow from it and become a better version of ourselves so we don’t repeat those mistakes. So learn. Say you are sorry, apologise, make things right but most importantly forgive yourself. I guarantee you when you clean yourself up and show everyone you are working on yourself, those who really love you will be SO proud of you and support you. Those who don’t, aren’t your people. Let them go. When the shit hits the fan, that is when you can really distinguish the people who should have a place at your table moving forward and those who are no longer getting an invitation to join you.

Learning and growth can be messy and painful but you are strong and it is a better pain than repeating this cycle, like Groundhog Day. It’s a pain with an ending, a pain that you will work through and come out the other side of ready to be there for others.

It’s worth it. It’s what you are here for.

So take a deep breathe, reach out and start healing. Face those demons. Stop fighting it. Show everyone how strong you are. Show your kids that with vulnerability comes strength. Lead by example and make them proud.

I believe in you. I know you don’t believe me but I do but it has to come from you.

Is it time?

Boat – Ed Sheeran

Inspiration · self care · self development · self love

Happily Ever After is not a fairy tale

The real KazLeave a comment

It’s a choice.

Stop falling for their potential.

You know, if they were gonna change, level up and become what you have been hoping for it would have happened by now, don’t you? I know, you’ve been hoping for so long, you don’t want to give up, but girl, do you still wanna be hoping in another 10 years? Do you wanna wake up and realise you are still in the exact same position a decade from now?

You see the best in people. Your empathetic nature wants to support and fix people. Someone who needs that is attractive to you but it also makes you blind to the red flags. When you are looking out for and caring for him, you are missing all the warning signs that everyone around you can see loud and clear. You want what you’re hoping for to be true and you create that truth in your head but you need to deal with the facts.

You cant help to fix anyone who doesn’t wanna be fixed. More love isn’t gonna do it. He has to take responsibility for his own journey. Walking away from someone who needs help is the hardest thing for you to do, I know. Its not in your nature and that is exactly why you have hung on so tightly, for so long but once you are out of the thick of it, I promise you will see more clearly how much of yourself you are giving away for something that will never be what you want.

If you stopped working so hard to fix everything, what do you think would happen? honestly? If the answer is nothing, then doesn’t that tell you a lot? Isn’t this all very one sided? Is he fighting for this as much as you are?

Yes, he maybe a “good” man but that doesn’t mean he is the man for you. You are growing, developing, working on yourself. You need someone working alongside you with the same self love and zest for life. You deserve someone supportive and willing to fight for you and what you have, work with you and on themselves. Stop allowing someone to give you less than you deserve.

Create space for someone who deserves you, to come and find you. You’re heart is holding so much space for someone who is not claiming it and there is no room for anything else right now.

You are worthy of a great love story.

Make space for a happy ending….

Inspiration · self care · self development

Lighthouse

The real KazLeave a comment

I’m tired.

Tired to my bones.

Tired of being everyone else’s safe harbour. The one they come to for shelter in the storm. The protector, shield, that makes everyone feel heard.

Don’t get me wrong, I was born to steer my ship. Keep it sailing by nurturing all aboard her. I do not know how not too. I would be lost without her.

I’m strong. I can handle a lot. I can normally weather the strongest, raging storms but this one right now has been relentless. Every time I think it is easing it comes back with a vengeance. It has ravaged my crew and me and I am exhausted. I need a lifeboat myself. I’m embarrassed to admit it, almost ashamed but my ship feels like she’s sinking, very, very slowly.

I’m still here, supporting, listening, guiding but the tears won’t stop. I want them too. I don’t want the crew to have to see their captain failing and show my weakness. The 2nd in command has already been lost at sea, I want them to be able to rely on me, feel I will never let them down but right now that feels an insurmountable task.

They see my cracks, my mistakes, imperfections and vulnerability. I have no choice but to let those waters flow from my eyes. Impossible to plug the gaps, to prevent me sinking further.

They hold onto me tighter. Not for them this time but for me. To help me weather this storm. There is no abandoning ship as I thought, instead my tears are dried and not a word said. I can feel them stand taller, firmer and make a decision to be the lighthouse for their captain to guide her ship safely. Just for now, for a wee while.

I relax for the first time in an age, sink to my knees and let down my guard. Is it ok to let go of the helm and lay down? Just for a moment and recharge? Just for a time, I weep uncontrollably and on board this ship feel completely loved and safe. I cast my anchor down and I rest, I stop thinking of the ships needs, the crew and re-focus on myself. Completely, knowing it will be ok.

The storm clouds gradually disappear and begin to make way for rays of sunshine peeping through.

The crew hoist the sails and the ship keeps sailing, on and on.

Inspiration · self care · self development

Nothing grows in your comfort zone

The real KazLeave a comment

Always go with the choice that scares you, that’s where the magic happens….

You know that thing you have been thinking about for ages but haven’t taken action on because you’re scared? You know what I mean. You really want to do it but you’re scared what others will think. Your mind is saying things like,” Its so out of character for me to do something so different and risky. I’m normally so careful and safe. People will judge me and then what if it all goes wrong? What if it fails, I screw up? Then I’m going to look stupid and everyone will laugh and I will wish I’d stuck to what I was doing. Nah I think I’ll forget about it, for now at least”.

Yes that thing. Turn off the negative committee in your head and go do it!

Your comfort zone is where nothing grows. Its safe and predictable and it means you will keep living as you are with little to cause you stress, anxiety or motivate you to pursue your passions. Isn’t life worth more than that? Isn’t our time here too short to play it safe and never experience the fullness of life. Yes it means that sometimes things might not work out as we had hoped and that can be hard to deal with but in that experience comes growth and without darkness, there can be no light.

Outside of your comfort zone there is uncertainty, yes, but when you choose to never experience the anxiousness and excitement of making change, your world stays small and your personal growth is stunted because your experiences in life are limited and the more you avoid change the scarier it becomes so the fear grows.

If you want to make changes but fear is holding you back, start by making a list of all the things you have wanted to do, a bucket list if you will, of things big and small. Pick one thing off that list and challenge yourself to make it happen. It can be something as simple as learning to play an instrument or running a 5k but whatever it is, make a commitment to achieve it. Get your friends to join you and make it fun!

Another way to start living outside of your comfort zone is to change up your routine. Routine can be good but if its too rigid it maybe stifling. For example if you work from home, take yourself off to a new environment and work in a coffee shop for the day. Spontaneity helps you to get out of a rut and get used to that feeling of anxious excitement at trying something new and out of the blue. Control is lessened because there are more small unknowns to contend with, will the coffee shop be busy? Will I get a seat? etc…..

Face your fears. Think about the fear that is holding you back, what is it you are most scared of? Maybe its a fear of public speaking or within larger groups at work that frightens you, make a decision to try and say something in each meeting at work or look up local speaking in public courses to give you the skills to overcome that fear. Take action on how you are going to address those fears, with small steps to push your boundaries and get used to feeling that uncertainty that change brings and embracing it.

If you stay in your comfort zone you will never know what your really capable of. When you leave that safe space you start to step into your potential. There’s is so much you can do with this life, don’t get to the end and wish you had but fear has left you with regrets. You will always regret more what you didn’t do, than what you did even when it never turned out quite how you wanted.

Throughout all change, a positive mindset is key. Be optimistic and most importantly kind to yourself, if you find something hard, that’s ok! You took the first step and next time it will be easier. See failure as a lesson and set yourself goals along the way. It’s easier to do all of this when you surround yourself with positive likeminded people who will motivate and cheer you on. Look at your circle of friends and family and spend time with people who will support you in achieving your goals not make it harder.

You got this! x

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