Sad, overwhelming and difficult to get through but you still show up and know it’s just a day amongst a sea of better ones coming…
You get up to face another day, force a smile and go about the routine, the daily grind. Inside you feel empty, the minute your eyes open, it overwhelms you. There’s no slow introduction to the melancholy, it doesn’t creep in as the day develops. Nope. BOOM. It’s there as soon as you are conscious of a new day beginning.
You know if you sit for too long with your thoughts you will start to let them consume you, so you begin, it helps to stay occupied. Dog walk, breakfast, journal, coffee, face on, laptop on, same routine, different day. The kids slowly trundle in, big and not so big, they are pretty self sufficient but they need you to be strong, mostly you manage it, well at least this morning you do. They pass through getting ready for their day, chit chat, arguing, dogs barking, the morning chaos mounting. Until slowly, one by one, peace is restored and their day has begun out in the world, on their way for the day, school, work, university, socialising, doing their thing.
Then.
Silence. Stillness.
It feels vast, makes you uneasy.
Left with your thoughts. The worst place to be. A place that gives too much freedom to ruminate on circumstances, events and feelings. Space to think is dangerous, so its time for coffee and work mode overload. All day, work consumes. Phone calls back to back, listening to peoples problems, looking for solutions, advice, empathy and lots of coffee. Multiple cups. Large cups. On repeat.
You know you love this job, on a good day, this job rocks. It suits you, who you are but when you’re feeling this way, when your heart, chest and mind feel heavy and sad, it’s laborious. So hard to be there for others when its hard enough to be there for yourself, giving reassurance, support, a lifeline. You do though because it’s what you do best, at least when you are at your best.
When the work is done, the kids are home, you have listened to your friends problems, the dinners done, kitchen tidied, washing folded and all that’s left is for the peace and quiet of sleep.
Silence, on your quilt, finally, no one to support, no mask to wear, no one to be strong for. That’s when you know, the tears will fall, the sadness will consume you and you will let it all go. To avoid the inevitable, you switch on the tv, scroll through your phone. Distraction helps you postpone the tidal wave of emotions. Not for long though. It always catches you up, a few steps behind, chasing you quietly.
When you finally relent and switch everything off , it swallows you up, you let it all go because you can, there’s no one to see, no judgement or shame for being weak, letting the kids down, being selfish or too much. Abandon yourself to the ache that has sat in your chest all day, the tears you have held in tightly.
Cry if you must, its ok, tomorrow is a new day when you will walk the walk again. Maybe tomorrow will feel a little easier, maybe the pain will be less. Maybe tomorrow you’ll wake up and have forgotten the sadness and your smile will be genuine and full.
Tomorrow is an opportunity for something different and full of hope.
Hold onto that maybe, its important.
Just maybe.
Unravelling My Own Bulls#*t! 