Inspiration · self care · self development · self love

Name one thing you love about yourself?

The real KazLeave a comment

How long does it take?

If you are anything like me, you will find it harder to think of something you love about yourself than list the things you would like to change. We are generally so much more critical of ourselves than of others. We can pick out all the physical attributes that we want to change instantly but when we need to pick what’s wonderful about ourselves the list is very small or non existent.

There is a feeling of being conceited and self centred if we love our bodies too much, a fear others will think we are big headed and vain, when in reality we should be encouraging such self love in our children. Loving our bodies and leading by example to teach our kids to embrace their differences and talk openly about what is great about themselves and others. That kind of open positive self talk fosters a level of self worth and confidence which will mean they know they are worthy of respect. We will be bringing up children who are not ashamed of how they look, who others will find it difficult to tread on, stifle or belittle because they love them selves enough not to stick around and put up with that kind of disrespect.

When I was a young woman if I had the money, I’m pretty sure I would have looked into getting a breast enhancement. I felt I was small and found it embarrassing because society had convinced me that being more voluptuous was womanly, sexy and more attractive. I lacked confidence in myself and this seemed like a way to solve my confidence issues. Off course I can see it wouldn’t have been and would I have done it if I was able? I’m not sure. Now as a 47 year old woman I can say I am so thankful I never went down that route. Thank goodness I couldn’t afford it! I now love myself just as I am and I genuinely mean that (physically at least), it’s not just me joining the self love bandwagon, its something I’ve worked on and strived for. The only difference between now and the 20 year old Kaz though in reality is confidence and a small but slow growth of love for my body.

That growth in confidence affects the way you carry yourself. When you don’t like how you look very much you shrink and hide and you emit an energy of self doubt. When you feel more self assured there is naturally better eye contact and more smiles and laughter. You are more relaxed and with that, when asked what I love most about myself, I would have to say my smile. I realise that I love my smile more than anything and once that happened others noticed it too.

I have the same smile I had when I was in my 20’s, its no different but back then, I was less confident, looked down, avoided eye contact and my energy was of anxiety and fear. As I have matured, learnt, grown, my energy has changed, I’ve mastered the “fake it till you make it” vibe and I no longer hope no one will talk to me and feel self conscious. My smile hasn’t changed but my confidence and self esteem has increased and that has changed my energy. In recent years the number one comment I receive is “you have a lovely smile” and I can honestly say that never happened before I hit 40 years old and it is a testament to the fact that how you feel about yourself really does change your energy and vibe.

So my answer to the question what do I love most about myself?

My smile, but what I really love is the years of experiences and self development which built my confidence and self worth in order for me to allow my smile to shine through!

Now, what do yo love about yourself?

Inspiration · self care · self development

Simple Joys

The real KazLeave a comment

What are 5 + 1 everyday things that bring you happiness?

When I first sat down to think about this question, I thought I was going to struggle to find things that put a smile on my face because at the time of writing happiness feels a long way off. Once I began though, it was quite easy to find 5 things and harder to limit it to five, so I haven’t, I just couldn’t! All very simple things that I know help me in some way to find a spark of joy.

1 – Connection with family and friends, the people that are important to me. Spending time with my family and close friends creates memories, establishes closer bonds and that relationship and connection is what life is all about. One phone call, visit, letter or even text from a person in your circle who cares is enough to lighten any burden. Research has suggested that social isolation can increase chances of death by 50% and is more harmful to us than obesity or smoking. It is not always what we first think of in terms of our quality of life but connection with others is essential to a fulfilling life. Contact your friends and family often and if you feel you are lonely, go out and volunteer, join a class, a club but go and find likeminded souls to connect with and talk too.

2: Books bring me joy. A beautiful book, is a thing to cherish. Because of this, I just cannot enjoy reading on a kindle or other such electrical readers. To read is to feel the pages for me, to have a physical copy of a book you love and cherish, dog eared and tattered is part of the joy of reading and the books that I love will always be with me. I dream of having my own library within my home. It will have stunning books, I can touch with comfy loungers to sit and read on. Peaceful and inviting. A place of knowledge, imagination, solitude and total relaxation. If that doesn’t happen (and it’s unlikely) reading a book sat by the sea, with a coffee, the next best thing!

3: Music will make me move to the beat, sing to the lyrics and if I’m in the kitchen with my daughter, dance and sing. That’s got to make you happy! I’ve said this before but music makes the soul sing, brings back memories and people and helps us to express emotions. Sometimes those emotions are hard but with out a doubt if you are feeling down and play your favourite happy tunes it will raise your vibe and release stress. So, much the same as books, when it comes to music, I have my old vinyl records that are very precious to me. They hold so many memories and are for me, better than all other mediums to play music on. I treasure my LP’s and singles and a Sunday afternoon listening to my old music on vinyl and reminiscing is heavenly.

4: Writing – Getting my thoughts down on paper, or journaling has always been therapeutic for me. More so of late and is now a daily ritual for me. It’s a process that helps you work through events in life, or just your day, deal with your feelings, leaving you feeling lighter and more in control. Once memories, issues, challenges, emotions have been written on paper it is almost like they have been released and are easier to deal with. I think the thought processes that go into writing can help reduce overwhelm and anxiety and make your priorities clearer. When it comes to writing I have a bit of a thing for notebooks. Addiction maybe a better word. I adore a notebook to write in, pretty ones, inspirational ones, big ones, small ones, beautiful ones, any really. Just a blank notebook with a pretty cover, waiting for you to make it yours, write, scribble, doodle, plan.

5: Running/ Exercise – for me my exercise is running and that brings together 3 of my favourite things actually, running, music and the great outdoors all in one go! Although any exercise can be hard to find the motivation for on difficult days, it ALWAYS makes you feel better after and usually during too. It brings a sense of achievement and on days when you have not felt you have been very productive, that is a bonus and some space to think about and process your day, which can help anxiety and low mood. I often, cry, smile, laugh and dance on my runs too!

6: The great outdoors – walks, hikes, the sea, lakes, jut being outside lifts the spirit. I especially enjoy time by the sea but if you are feeling stressed or anxious just going outside for a walk in nature will help reduce that. If its sunny you are also getting vitamin D which is great for your bones and immune system as well as again for low mood and worry. So lace up and get outside!

Inspiration · self care · self development

Lighthouse

The real KazLeave a comment

I’m tired.

Tired to my bones.

Tired of being everyone else’s safe harbour. The one they come to for shelter in the storm. The protector, shield, that makes everyone feel heard.

Don’t get me wrong, I was born to steer my ship. Keep it sailing by nurturing all aboard her. I do not know how not too. I would be lost without her.

I’m strong. I can handle a lot. I can normally weather the strongest, raging storms but this one right now has been relentless. Every time I think it is easing it comes back with a vengeance. It has ravaged my crew and me and I am exhausted. I need a lifeboat myself. I’m embarrassed to admit it, almost ashamed but my ship feels like she’s sinking, very, very slowly.

I’m still here, supporting, listening, guiding but the tears won’t stop. I want them too. I don’t want the crew to have to see their captain failing and show my weakness. The 2nd in command has already been lost at sea, I want them to be able to rely on me, feel I will never let them down but right now that feels an insurmountable task.

They see my cracks, my mistakes, imperfections and vulnerability. I have no choice but to let those waters flow from my eyes. Impossible to plug the gaps, to prevent me sinking further.

They hold onto me tighter. Not for them this time but for me. To help me weather this storm. There is no abandoning ship as I thought, instead my tears are dried and not a word said. I can feel them stand taller, firmer and make a decision to be the lighthouse for their captain to guide her ship safely. Just for now, for a wee while.

I relax for the first time in an age, sink to my knees and let down my guard. Is it ok to let go of the helm and lay down? Just for a moment and recharge? Just for a time, I weep uncontrollably and on board this ship feel completely loved and safe. I cast my anchor down and I rest, I stop thinking of the ships needs, the crew and re-focus on myself. Completely, knowing it will be ok.

The storm clouds gradually disappear and begin to make way for rays of sunshine peeping through.

The crew hoist the sails and the ship keeps sailing, on and on.

Inspiration · self care · self development

Let go of the outcome

The real KazLeave a comment

Just let go.

Take a deep breath, release it slowly and make a decision to no longer be attached to the outcome.

Can you control what happens? No. So despite the fact that you know how you want this to turn out, you cannot make that happen. There are too many variables. Other people involved that have their own feelings, actions and points of view.

So if you cant control how it plays out. What is the point of the anxiety and worry you are putting yourself through right now? Because it is you that is causing the knot in your chest, you know? The tears you are crying because you are scared, the sadness you feel for what could be and the nights you lay awake playing out possibilities in your head, are all a choice you are making. It’s not the situation. Its the way you are CHOOSING to react to the situation. Its time to choose to let go.

When you finally let go and give it up to the universe, you will give yourself the gift of peace. When you stop trying to control and truly just trust that what will happen is for the best, then you can just be an observer and watch. Slowly untether your mind from the future you have created within it. You cannot predict, force or persuade life to follow that path. Have faith in yourself, your strength, resilience and determination. Whatever happens KNOW you will deal with it, like you always do.

No, I know it doesn’t feel like it now. Now you feel alone, unsure, apprehensive, those tears and that ache in your heart are all consuming. Deep down though, you know, you know you will get through it.

Watch how life always has a way of figuring itself out. What happens right now may seem scary or painful but 6 months down the line you will see it made way for happiness and opportunities you never knew were possible.

So girl, trust the universe.

Trust the process.

Breath.

And let go…..

Bob Marley – Three Little Birds

Inspiration · self care · self development

“You’ve Changed”

The real KazLeave a comment

Life is constantly changing and so are you!

Have you ever had “you’ve changed” thrown at you, usually with a negative undertone, used to imply you should still be the same person you were 5, 10. 15 years ago, have the same mindset, attitude, goals and ambitions.

I’ve had this said to me in the past, seemingly aimed at how I am now less shy and socially anxious around others and will put myself out there more, for instance with this blog and my social media. I’ve received quite a bit of negativity around that and my response would be, yes I’ve changed. Thank god! I’ve grown, I’ve matured, I don’t care so much what people think. I still get hurt by comments, but I enjoy sharing and knowing others have been there and can relate to my content and find it supportive. I know that something I’ve posted maybe the one thing a person reads or watches that day which helps them find the inspiration to keep going. That motivation is now stronger than my fears and anxieties around what others think of me.

That in itself is growth.

None of us are the same person we were when we were 18 years old. Would you want to be? I love where I am now in life. My experiences, mistakes, challenges, good times and bad have moulded me into this person with knowledge and insight that is unique to me. No one else on this planet has the same experiences and that is something worth sharing and celebrating. Embrace that uniqueness.

When people who we know say “you’ve changed” I think it generally says a lot more about them. It’s almost like they are trying to put you “back in your box” and undermining who you have become. They may feel insecure about their own growth. Maybe they have let fear hold them back from pursuing paths and they regret that so they feel a resentment towards you. There maybe a part of them that wants you to be the same person you were as you were enabling their own insecurities, you may have less time for them now. There are many reasons friends and family may react this way, that are all to do with them and nothing to do with you. If they were coming from a place of love and care they would be proud of your growth. They would want to see you to pursue what lights you up and you have a passion for, even if it doesn’t align with their goals and passions.

Sometimes when people don’t understand what you are doing or who you have become they will dismiss or disapprove of it. Remember to NEVER apologise for who you have become.

Own your growth. Own your choices. Be authentic.

Understand life is constantly changing and so are you.

Inspiration · self care · self development

Nothing grows in your comfort zone

The real KazLeave a comment

Always go with the choice that scares you, that’s where the magic happens….

You know that thing you have been thinking about for ages but haven’t taken action on because you’re scared? You know what I mean. You really want to do it but you’re scared what others will think. Your mind is saying things like,” Its so out of character for me to do something so different and risky. I’m normally so careful and safe. People will judge me and then what if it all goes wrong? What if it fails, I screw up? Then I’m going to look stupid and everyone will laugh and I will wish I’d stuck to what I was doing. Nah I think I’ll forget about it, for now at least”.

Yes that thing. Turn off the negative committee in your head and go do it!

Your comfort zone is where nothing grows. Its safe and predictable and it means you will keep living as you are with little to cause you stress, anxiety or motivate you to pursue your passions. Isn’t life worth more than that? Isn’t our time here too short to play it safe and never experience the fullness of life. Yes it means that sometimes things might not work out as we had hoped and that can be hard to deal with but in that experience comes growth and without darkness, there can be no light.

Outside of your comfort zone there is uncertainty, yes, but when you choose to never experience the anxiousness and excitement of making change, your world stays small and your personal growth is stunted because your experiences in life are limited and the more you avoid change the scarier it becomes so the fear grows.

If you want to make changes but fear is holding you back, start by making a list of all the things you have wanted to do, a bucket list if you will, of things big and small. Pick one thing off that list and challenge yourself to make it happen. It can be something as simple as learning to play an instrument or running a 5k but whatever it is, make a commitment to achieve it. Get your friends to join you and make it fun!

Another way to start living outside of your comfort zone is to change up your routine. Routine can be good but if its too rigid it maybe stifling. For example if you work from home, take yourself off to a new environment and work in a coffee shop for the day. Spontaneity helps you to get out of a rut and get used to that feeling of anxious excitement at trying something new and out of the blue. Control is lessened because there are more small unknowns to contend with, will the coffee shop be busy? Will I get a seat? etc…..

Face your fears. Think about the fear that is holding you back, what is it you are most scared of? Maybe its a fear of public speaking or within larger groups at work that frightens you, make a decision to try and say something in each meeting at work or look up local speaking in public courses to give you the skills to overcome that fear. Take action on how you are going to address those fears, with small steps to push your boundaries and get used to feeling that uncertainty that change brings and embracing it.

If you stay in your comfort zone you will never know what your really capable of. When you leave that safe space you start to step into your potential. There’s is so much you can do with this life, don’t get to the end and wish you had but fear has left you with regrets. You will always regret more what you didn’t do, than what you did even when it never turned out quite how you wanted.

Throughout all change, a positive mindset is key. Be optimistic and most importantly kind to yourself, if you find something hard, that’s ok! You took the first step and next time it will be easier. See failure as a lesson and set yourself goals along the way. It’s easier to do all of this when you surround yourself with positive likeminded people who will motivate and cheer you on. Look at your circle of friends and family and spend time with people who will support you in achieving your goals not make it harder.

You got this! x

https://www.tiktok.com/@lifeonmytermsx

Inspiration · self care · self development

Soundtrack of your life

The real Kaz2 Comments

Music heals the soul

My last post got me thinking about the other passion in my life. Music. Why, because as much as writing is becoming therapeutic to me, music has been my therapy my whole life. I listen to music and it has the power to lift me out of a funk, take me back to a moment in time and motivate and inspire me. Music can also bring back painful memories and take us to places that are difficult, times and people we miss and remind us of loss. There are songs I find hard to listen to now because of how raw those memories are but with time, those songs become the soundtrack to our lives a reminder of times we cherish for many reasons .

I am the kind of person that needs to hear the lyrics. They are important. If a song is special to me I need to listen to what it is saying. If it resonates with me, it goes on my playlist. I connect to moments in my life through music. The song played at my sons funeral was “Thank you for the days” by Kirsty McColl. That song summed up how I felt. A gratitude for having had my son in my life, the lessons he taught me and memories of our short time together which I cherish. I didn’t want a song that was too sad, so it felt perfect. I couldn’t listen to that song for so many years without becoming emotional. Today I can and it makes me smile. Time is a healer.

Kirsty McColl – Thank you for the days

After my son, Jermaine passed away, I would listen to Angel by Sarah McLachlan. I can remember many a time curled up on my bed, crying, listening to the words. I needed that song to express how hard things felt at that time. The lyrics comforted me to think he was with the angels and by my side in my dark hours, which were plenty.

Angel – Sarah McLachlan

We all have a soundtrack to our lives don’t we?

Music makes me happy too, honestly! If I’m sad I play upbeat tunes which lift my mood, I dance round the kitchen and force myself to feel good. Ok, sometimes I crumble after but for a time it works and it has to be LOUD. My children are 13, 20 and 23 years old and they all constantly turn my music down. Total role reversals in our family. Ok I am a little deaf but I like to immerse myself in my music. I feel the lyrics. The amount of times I’ve got into the car with my kids and the music comes on as I had it the day before when I was alone: usually LOUD. The tuts and huffs and “you’re so embarrassing” comments.

When I drive my daughter to school and she wants to get out the car, I’m given “the death stare” which means – turn the music down before I open the door. I don’t want my friends hearing your uncool music! Funny though!

Then there is when I run, which I do 3/4times a week, there has to be music. I’ve tried podcasts and I’ve tried to run without music but the beat and the rhythm keep me going. When I run, I process my day, I cry, I dance, I feel and I look like a loony tune to people who pass me by, but it helps me. The physical exercise and music is a release. My favourite song to run too at the moment is “Never gonna not dance again” by Pink. I dance away whilst running and it puts a spring into my pace and usually helps me to pick up the pace for longer, which is always a bonus at my stage of life.

Pink – Never gonna not dance again

I recently found out from my older sister, my dad, who died when I was 8 years old loved to sing. My memories of him are sketchy if I’m honest but my sister told me she remembers him getting up on the stage at The Conservative Club they went to often and singing mainly Frank Sinatra songs. That makes me smile, to think maybe my love for music comes from him plus who doesn’t love a bit of Frank?

Recently going through my divorce, the situation required some strong woman vibes and empowerment. “This is Me” from The Greatest Showman would be on a loop on my playlist and many Beverley Knight songs. Beverley has an impressive “strong woman” vibe. Her songs just scream empowered woman and sometimes that’s just what you need in these situations. One that got tons of play and still does is “Made it Back” but also, “The queen of starting over”. If you’re a woman that needs something to make you feel you can take on the world, definitely go have a listen.

So to sum up I’d say the other therapy in my life is music. Music is SOOOO good for the soul, a great outlet for emotions and a way to hold onto memories and people, sometimes painful but often also full of happiness and love.

What songs would make the soundtrack of your life?

career · Inspiration · self care · Self Development

When I grow up

The real KazLeave a comment

Childhood dreams……

When I was a child, I can remember imagining myself becoming a nurse or an author and writing books. My mum didn’t really talk about or encourage big ambition and I never really felt much more was possible than becoming a secretary or having a family of my own. When I daydreamed though I would dream of other more wild and unachievable paths in life, like writing a novel or working as a nurse in a hospital, at least they felt pretty out of reach at the time. I haven’t actually achieved either although I have always worked in a profession where I am caring for others. I almost became a nurse but never quite made it, life threw me a curve ball and took me down a different route and I never came back to it. No regrets there though, I still work in the field of care, which is in my bones but my family took priority and that feels right to me.

My caring career started as a personal journey when my first child was born with Cerebral Palsy when I was 18. That experience determined my path in supporting others who were in a similar position after my personal caring role ended. The thing is I also knew from a very young age I wanted to be a mum, have kids and that was where my heart lay so even though I hadn’t expected to be a young single mum to a disabled child, I was a mum and that felt like where I was supposed to be.

When my son passed away at 13 years old, I then pursued work in the caring arena starting as a childminder, then respite carer for disabled children, a nanny, a carer for elderly, an advocate and now a Social Prescriber for local GP surgeries. I’ve worked in social care most of my adult life and have a passion for helping others. Its a fantastic and rewarding sector but requires a lot of self care too and boundaries, especially when you have experienced social care from a personal perspective on the other end, you need to be able to separate yourself and take a step back.

As for writing, I have always enjoyed putting pen to paper, or now more fingers to the keyboard. I remember as a child my best friend and I would sit for hours with our Victoria Plumb notebooks, writing, talking and imagining our stories being made into books in their own right. Kaz and Suze, famous authors, just like the wonderful Enid Blyton, whose books I was devouring at the time. As a teenager I can remember fanatically chain-reading the Sweet Valley High series of books, whilst my hormones were racing and by the end of my teens I was a proud Stephen King and Dean Koontz horror addict.

It’s interesting because in thinking about this a memory resurfaced of a time when I was around 17/18 and I became quite low. The one and only time in the first 40 years of my life I can recall that I may have possibly had some depression. I remember sitting in my room, not wanting to leave, staying in bed but mostly, I remember writing, mainly poems. I think I still have them somewhere, in the back of a closet. They were quite dark poems and I find them difficult to read even to this day. This time of sadness and introspection soon passed and I moved into becoming a carer, in my personal and professional life and writing took a back seat.

Its intriguing to me that now, at this point in my life where I am going through some quite traumatic major life changes, I have finally come back to writing down my thoughts and seeing where it takes me. This process is becoming therapeutic to me. When I get my thoughts out and onto paper/ screen, everything feels clearer, there’s a clarifying of a situation and an unscrambling of the jumbled up stories that frequent my mind. Some fact and truth, others the result of me overthinking and hoping, catastrophising and stressing. I’m an overthinker and have recently become aware of the stories I can allow myself to create in my head which are not based on fact, so I am learning to come back to what is real. Writing helps with that. So for now this little blog is my therapy I think, my thought decipherer, and the blog allows me to explore ideas and thoughts about myself and that’s enough for me. Who knows maybe one day I’ll get that one book written and become the author I dreamt of being as a child but if nothing else writing heals.

Taylor Swift – Never grow up
Inspiration · self care · self development

Emotional Flatlining

The real KazLeave a comment

I’ve been feeling all the emotions the last few days. I feel sad, disappointed and just pretty much broken hearted and that prompted a conversation with my middle son yesterday. We were both sat at the kitchen table and my son, who is a psychology student, was giving me a pep talk because he could see I was struggling with emotions that were starting to make it difficult for me to motivate myself. He is 20 years old and for someone so young, full of amazing advice but lacking in the experience to back it up. I on the other hand have an absolute ton of experience, so between us we can usually talk things out and it helps, for the most part.

We talked about the fact that I have always felt things deeply. I go “all in” with my emotions and feelings and don’t really know how not too. That means I experience the good times as amazing but in contrast the difficult times can be tough to get through. I suppose I just don’t do things by halves. My ex husband used to say I was always on an emotional rollercoaster but I can see now that maybe due to the fact that he was on the opposite end of the spectrum and was great at shutting his emotions away. I felt enough for both of us! How I would love to be able to turn the intensity of those feelings down when things are hard, maybe learn to box those emotions up and store them locked away tightly in a dusty recess of my mind. Can’t other people do that? I thought so from observing friends and family, reading books and watching tv, everyone seems so much more capable of balancing how they feel. Other people just seem to be able to handle their emotions better, or at least it seems so. So I question myself, Is this something I need to train myself to do?

Well my son told me “he didn’t think it worked like that” and this is just who I am. My personality is that I’m a sensitive, an empath, some may say. Sitting opposite us during this conversation was my daughter. She is 13 years old and I see her and how she is navigating the emotions of adolescence, the hormones, her personality and sensitive nature and It’s like replaying my own youth. A tough time. She feels deeply and is a deep thinker and has learnt to adapt to the feelings of others around her. She can read the room and naturally tries to make others feel ok if something is “off”. She has seen me do that and it can drain you if you practice it throughout life. Would she have always had that ability or was it learnt from me? Have I magnified it? I wish I’d learnt earlier in life to not feel responsible for other peoples emotions, to not feel responsible for making other feel comfortable because when you learn that early in life, and practise that behaviour routinely as you become an adult, you lose yourself, you stop expressing who you are in order to make everyone around you happy. Being yourself is a skill and knowing you are not responsible for how people respond to you or feel about you comes with confidence and self worth. I am working on instilling this in my daughter, now I’ve finally learnt it myself at 47! What other people think of you is really none of your business. I hope I can teach that to my daughter now.

So today when scrolling social media I watched a short clip of a man saying he feels deeply too. He talks about speaking with his therapist about this and explaining to them that he wishes he could sit with his emotions in the middle of the scale rather than with the highs and lows and what his therapist replied really spoke to me. His therapist said if you imagine a heart monitor, its going up and down and if you were to put it in the middle, you would be flatlining. Life is about the highs and lows and when you are in a high you know that life will bring you the opposite at some point.

Who wants to live their life flatlining? Feel the excitement, passion, be enthusiastic, open your heart to love and when the lows come, you will learn from them, they will be hard but you will come out the other side stronger and with a wisdom and appreciation for life and the simple things. Its helped me to understand that my sensitivity to life’s rollercoaster of emotions is not necessarily a negative. I am thankful that I can experience the excitement at the simple things. For me, I believe life is an experience, not all of it will be wonderful but your mindset is what makes it bearable. So I will keep leaning into those emotions, stay open to all experiences and positive about what those experiences good or bad bring into my life and hopefully teach my daughter the same.

Growing, Healing, Living Life.

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Inspiration · self care · self development

Define Happiness

The real KazLeave a comment
Happy People by Little Big Town

What is happiness to you? I’m sure for each of us it would look a little different given our circumstances and personalities but do we all fundamentally need the same basic things to be happy? Or do we really need anything? Is happiness a state of mind?

When asked how you would define happiness what would it look like? Would you list things like a nice home? holidays? health? a job you loved? a loving partner? If so are all those things really necessary for happiness? Many people don’t have any of those things but still feel their lives are full and happy.

When I think about happiness I feel it is a place where I am at peace with myself. Happiness comes with genuine self acceptance of all our flaws, who we are, all our mistakes, all our experiences that have shaped us. It is a place internally of having worked through all of it and being back to the true authentic self we were born to be before all those relationships, traumas and life made us feel, shame, not good enough, too much, unlovable or any of the other negative views that may have been imposed on us or we have imposed upon ourselves..

When we were born we were who we are meant to be, before the world got its hands on us. We didn’t feel pressure to be a certain way, please certain people, travel a certain path. That authentic being inside you is where your true happiness lies. Stripping back all the hurt, judgement, shame, disappointment and anger, working through it and finding that child again means you can be yourself, love yourself and travel your path purposefully.

Doing the work to find that kind of happiness is not easy. Society has done a job on us and there are opinions, judgements and ideas that you have been listening to for so long that it takes a lot of work to address. I think our childhoods and relationships as well as living within our current society leave us all with coping strategies and triggers we need to work through.

When we have worked on finding self acceptance, we can really experience love for ourselves that allows space for genuine relationships with others that are not based on a “need” we have from someone else to fulfil a part of us that is hurt, or make us feel worthy but our relationships become a place that we gain love from others and give it without it being something we are relying on to complete us and make us happy. When we place our happiness in someone else’s hands we give them control of everything. True happiness is found within yourself and shared with others with the knowledge that it cannot be taken from you without your permission.

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To experience happiness there needs to be level of gratitude for what we have. Being thankful and expressing it daily, leaves no room for negativity. Gratitude helps us to find happiness in the simplest of things: waking up in the morning, our morning coffee, the sound of the birds outside, the warmth of our bedroom….. and when practised daily it really forces us to feel that appreciation of life and what we have. Starting your day listing what you are grateful for is a fantastic way to introduce positivity and happiness first thing in the morning and setting your day off to a great start.

I think connection with others is important for happiness too. It is through working on ourselves and then connection with others that we learn and grow. We experience hurt, disappointment, kindness, love for others but all of those things are experienced differently when we are coming first from a place of self love and worth because when you have found that there is no fear of rejection or pain, you are confident in who you are.

I am a long way from this kind of self love and happiness but I have begun my journey and have quickly realised there’s a lot of work to do but I am already seeing, that questioning why I am feeling and experiencing different emotions and reactions in situations and relationships is showing me so much about where my insecurities are and how past events formed my behaviours. Its not easy to look so closely at yourself, it takes courage because we all have parts of ourselves we hide but if you’re brave enough it can bring so much growth and happiness into your existence.