Category: Inspiration

career · Inspiration · self care · self development · self love

Positive Change

The real KazLeave a comment

The one biggest positive change I’ve made in my life in the last few years is to start to take full responsibility for my life and my decisions. Previous to that I would always want someone to give me their approval when I was doing things. I’d ask for my family view on something I’d like to do, or friends, or even colleagues who barely knew me and if I met with even the slightest disapproval, I would accept it probably isn’t really for me. Even when I felt disappointed by their opinion and felt they didn’t understand my dreams, It would make me doubt that this was the right path for me and I would allow it to be slowly pushed to the side. I never trusted myself, my intuition, my gut to know what was right for me and I think that as women we need to begin to trust ourselves more.

Society has a way of dissolving this inner guidance system. It leaves us doubting ourselves and feeling guilty for doing what is best for ourselves until eventually we just follow “the rules” of how we live and what we are supposed to do with our lives. Lets face it women who challenge these societal expectations can often be seen as “difficult” and “challenging” but are they? Aren’t they just testing the status quo and pushing the boundaries to allow those following behind them less restrictions and limitations in their lives?

Accepting others views as more important than our own gives all of our power away and leaves us living a life that everyone expects of us or that benefits others but not ourselves. I think many girls and women fall into the trap of living their life this way through society’s conditioning that we are here to look after others, we shouldn’t be challenging or argumentative, we should be there to support and nurture and look good but our opinions, hopes and dreams are to be put on the back burner whilst we assist out partners and children to achieve their goals. If we deviate from these expectations we are seen as irrational, bossy, hormonal, unhinged, eccentric, selfish and so much more for not following the traditional pathway of career, partner, marriage, kids, homemaker, nurturer etc…

I have learnt at 48 that we should trust ourselves more. Go inward and stop looking for approval outwardly. Follow your passions, whether it takes you down a traditional path or not, teach the next generation, earlier on than we may have learnt, that it’s ok to be selfish, to live your life as you wish, to become a woman in a male dominated career, to decide not to have children, to never marry, to build your own business, to take risks, be loud, take up space, be unique, wild and crazy without it being a negative.

Women may not be able to be everything to everyone but they can be exactly what they want to be for themselves. Lets show young women this through example and support.

For everyone, life is short. Be true to your passions and trust your gut to lead the way. Your gut knows. Start to hone your intuition, listen to it and how situations make you feel and let it be your guiding system to navigate decisions and situations you are unsure about as well as jump into opportunities that feel amazing to you! Lets cheer on the women in our lives, support our sisters in their life choices and make it the norm, for us to all follow different paths that celebrate our differences without guilt and shame.

Inspiration · relationships · self care · self development · self love

Still healing…..

The real KazLeave a comment

You talk about the facts, discuss the events, the circumstances. You thought that meant you were dealing with it, moving on, addressing it all in your mind. You know you have to let go of the past. You’ve read the self help books, talked it out with friends, been to therapy. You thought you had it all under control.

But then someone challenges your lack of emotion, they query why you are not angry or upset. So unruffled, with no bitterness. “But remember how it made you feel, remember the feelings” they say. You sit and remember and without warning, unexpectedly, the tears fall. Then every time you try and recall the worst times, the pain, the guilt, the anxiety, you break down.

Maybe you don’t have it so together, maybe you’ve buried it deep, so you can live your life. Maybe you’ve made a decision, subconsciously that box won’t be opened until this is over and it’s not. You’re still in it. So you keep the box closed, tightly.

When it’s all finally over and you are able to take a breath, you will tentatively open that box and you know it will unravel a tsunami of feelings. That closed box in your mind, keeps you able to function, when it’s opened and the contents examined you need to be safe, with people you love and when you are able to be kind to yourself. Again the tears fall. Not now, when it’s over.

You’re not healed, you’re still healing. It’s a work in progress.

Inspiration · relationships · self care · self development · self love

The Shift

The real Kaz2 Comments

I can feel it, inside.

Something big is coming, a breakthrough. Not in circumstances although that may be a by-product of this journey. A change within. Its feels hugely significant to me. It brings honest authenticity with it, a chance to finally remember myself.

Others may not even know on the outside, it’s happening. I still look the same, but if you scratch the surface, you will notice. The subtle difference in my self belief, what Is important to me and how I choose to live. This version of me has let go of the hurt, forgives them and myself and knows that it all happened for a reason. The pain brought me to where I should be…. it’s not a coincidence.

It feels exciting and I’m so ready but scared too. I wont let that stop me diving in though. I crave this shift, that I’ve been working towards. To finally feel a certainty that I’m healing is liberating. I’m aware that I don’t know how this will affect my relationships, but I know that the people who are meant to be with me on this path, will celebrate my growth.

I can feel the emotion within me. A wave that’s coming because I’m learning to release so much, open up and heal my body, my soul. My perspective is shifting. Awakening myself, breaking open from all the negative binds. the expectations, guilt, anxiety, disapproval, all from others but even more so from myself.

The universe brings everything together at the right time, to create the perfect moments for your growth, for the people you need to support you and the circumstances to bring you to the awareness you need.

Absolute synchronicity in motion.

Inspiration · relationships · self care · self development · self love

Making myself whole again….

The real Kaz2 Comments

I listened to a podcast today. It was an interview by Steven Bartlett with the Hungarian-Canadian physician and author, Dr Gabor Mate. He has a background in family practice and a special interest in childhood development, trauma and it’s potential lifelong impacts. I tuned in whilst out on a run instead of putting on my usual running playlist and zoning out to the beat. Today I had been feeling emotional on and off all day, small things would bring me to tears and randomly through the day I could feel emotion bubbling under the surface. It was almost like I needed a release, something needed dealing with but I didn’t know what.

I chose a podcast that I felt would keep me engaged and I ran, I absorbed the conversation and very quickly I was, for at least the 4th time today, crying and releasing this pent up emotion that was bottled up inside me.

Gabor talks a lot about childhood trauma, which does not need to be such a huge lifechanging distressing experience that we may associate with trauma but for a child it could be something such as not receiving affection from their care giver that can be enough over the years to give them a set of behaviours that if not addressed will cause issues in their relationships with themselves and others as they become and live as an adult, such as people pleasing and feeling responsible for keeping the peace and for everyone’s happiness around them.

What he said in the podcast which seemed to trigger me was that for some children a trauma can be when “they are not seen” by their caregivers that causes them to become people pleasers and keep the peace in order to be “good enough” for someone to love them. Cue the tears and understanding from myself.

He went on to talk about how people pleasing, being unable to say “no” or have boundaries and suppressing anger to keep the peace are the biggest reason that so many women have auto immune disorders because that unexpressed emotion creates illness. Wow! It seems that 80% of auto immune disorders diagnosed are in women and bears the question, why is that the case?

Suppressed emotion and learning it’s our job to “keep the peace” as a child can also mean there is no longer an ability to “trust our gut” that we are born with. We no longer listen to what our body tells us as we are so tuned into others and what’s going on around us. We are now looking for answers within our heads and no longer feeling it in our gut.

I have and do struggle with all of these behaviours and I have lived my life until now feeling like I have to care for others, it is my identity, it is who I am. “I would be selfish and people would not like me if I decided to really put myself first” is an ingrained thought process for me. The first time I ever really had the courage to do what was right for myself was when I ended my marriage at age 46 and filed for divorce and I was told repeatedly that this action was selfish.

I am still plagued by guilt but slowly processing my feelings and where they come from to become closer to peace and acceptance within myself. I have no doubt that I will find a way to fully accept this path I’ve been walking and who I was born to be.

In doing that I am realising that I no longer want to care for others as I have in the past, which is a difficult realisation but that’s ok. Caring and putting others before myself was almost a form of self harm, a way to make others “like” me and find value in myself.

I will always be there for my loved ones but I don’t need to prove my worth through a job caring for others or by trying to make myself responsible for everyone’s happiness around me. I can be there to support but also find my own authentic path and happiness which will lead to the peace I crave so much right now.

I am stripping away the expectations, the opinions, the behaviours, that society, my caregivers and I have placed upon myself and in doing so, remembering the girl I was born to be. Finding that true essence of myself is a slow journey but so rewarding.

Inspiration · self care · self development · self love

What do you enjoy most about writing?

The real Kaz2 Comments

My enjoyment of writing comes from putting my thoughts down and onto paper, or a screen, however it’s done. Wherever they are released, it feels cathartic. An unloading of the random, unravelling of events, emotions, stories that maybe real, or maybe a result of my mind creating scenarios that could, may, or won’t happen.

When your brain is so full, most of the time. An intricate, intertwined ball of thoughts that benefit from being extracted, pulled apart and left on the page, to make space. Make room for the never ending supply of new worries, thoughts, ideas, stories.

Because they never stop, it doesn’t cease.

So I write to off load and for a while it helps. For a moment, It brings peace. A restful mind.

There are times I wish I could take my thoughts out. Put them in a box, pack them up, leave them on the side and allow myself a few hours to switch off, completely. That is when I write because it is almost like opening that box on the side, putting my thoughts inside, and closing it up for a short while. Finding some moments for peace, before the tsunami of thoughts starts again.

Writing helps me to find peace and refuge from an overthinking mind and the process of writing down my thoughts, gives me release. A cathartic release.

Story Of My Life – One Direction

Inspiration · self care · self development · self love

A Different Kind Of Therapy

The real KazLeave a comment

When you are feeling emotion bubbling inside, there’s nowhere to hide from it. No way to ignore it. When there’s a ball in your chest so tight, that doesn’t allow you to breathe, that keeps you aware of the anxiety that is consuming you. When you hold back, tightly to the tears in your eyes. Frightened to let go, show weakness, allow them to see any chink in your armour because you know, if they do, they will attack, bring you down, as best they can. No let up, no reprieve, they want to see you on your knees.

At those times, you retreat, into your sanctuary, your personal space and allow those feelings to escape into words. Words that never seem quite enough to express those extremes, the highs, lows, the intensity of anger, despondency, futility, never ending, ongoing, unending, barrage of obstacles and setbacks.

So you write, let it all spill out, into sentences that flow, into paragraphs which make sense to you, in your head but to others would probably seem confusing, because… they do not know the story that brought you here. They do not know what season this is in your life, they just read of the deep, ferocious, all consuming chords you are striking with your text.

They feel your pain and many can relate to points in their life that left them wading through similar fears and torment. They don’t care what the circumstance, they still empathise with you, understand the emotion, whatever the cause.

You don’t write for them though. You write for yourself. To offload, in a safe space, without burdening, without oversharing to those close to you, without giving too much to them that shows how difficult these moments are. Without being too vulnerable, because that kind of softness and openness leaves room for more heartache and sorrow.

If there’s even a small crack in your outer defence, it will be taken advantage of. You have learnt, its not worth it. So you write, for strangers who do not know why you feel this pain, but they relate and you feel supported from afar without allowing anyone a chance to open your wound and expose it.

Keep writing, laying your feelings bare for people who don’t know. It isn’t an eloquent prose or a masterpiece of the written word, no. But that doesn’t matter, it just falls out in a dialogue to yourself, an acceptance of what is, a knowing “this too will pass” and an allowing of the process, the journey of allowing it to slowly dissolve into nothing as you bring it to life, in the form of words. The process of unburdening yourself and detoxing from the misery so you will once again regain your composure and go on another day as you have before.

No one will know, only the strangers who devoured those words, in your moment and secretly, quietly, cheered you on, both you and them knowing tomorrow you will feel different but for now you need to write, through the hurt.

bereavement · friendship · grief · Inspiration · parenthood · relationships · self care · self development · self love

A little like you…

The real Kaz4 Comments

I think I got my confidence from you. I’m guessing, ‘cos it doesn’t run through mum’s side of the family. Women on mum’s side are shy, anxious, still strong but worry about the world and what will happen when they’re gone. I have that less, so I guess that may come from you, at least I hope. It comforts me to think I can recognise some of your traits in me.

I’m told you were confident, you could strongly voice your point of view. You weren’t scared to speak up in a crowd and enjoyed a debate or two. Ok, so I can’t quite say that’s me, but what I will say is true, I have a strength and desire to break through this shyness and speak my truth. Maybe I wouldn’t have had that with out you as my dad. Maybe I would just have accepted that this was who I am and sat back.

I like to think It’s from you that inner determination runs through me and I hope now I’m wiser and more confident, you can see that too. I know you loved books, loved to read, poems too. I can definitely say I love the written word too.

I try and remember you from when I was young but the memories are foggy, untrustworthy. Is it a memory or a story I’ve been told about you? I’m unsure. I want them all to be memories but there are only a few of which I’m really sure.

The scent of your roll up tobacco from a Golden Virginia tin box, that you would sit and roll out with, your legs crossed. Dressed in old work jeans but with a shirt that never really seemed to match. Then I remember your smile, when a glimpse of me you’d catch.

I wish my kids got to meet you, damn I wish I had more time with you myself, but my kids would have just flourished with your guiding hand or advice instead. Maybe I would have had more strength to make changes with you by my side but I’ve learnt to harness my own courage and sometimes I just know you are there as my guide.

Almost like you are standing right behind me with a hand on my shoulder, nudging me to be brave, do the hard thing, that’s when I feel you. When I have a choice that is difficult, just willing and whispering in my ear to chose the tough road because that leads to growth and change too.

Telling me to stand strong.

Don’t give up.

Shoulders back, head up and you won’t go wrong.

I’m thankful for the parts of me that are from you. It helps me to feel you are close. Through these rough times I would have loved to have you here with me, to know you were beside me taking care of me but you are within me.

I am your daughter and that is enough ‘cos that means I’m tough!

career · Education · friendship · Inspiration · parenthood · parenthood · self care · self development · self love

High school taught me….

The real KazLeave a comment

That I didn’t “fit in”

The older I’ve become, the more I wonder if we all feel this way in some respect during those difficult teenage years. Does anyone actually feel totally accepted and comfortable in their own skin and social group throughout their teenage years?

For me, my home life seemed “different” to others. My dad had died when I was 8 years old and my mum was deaf. Both of those things made me self conscious at parents evenings. Mum couldn’t communicate like the other parents, dad wasn’t there. Two things that were enough to make me feel I stood out like a sore thumb. In reality, I didn’t. No one really took any notice or cared enough about my situation at home. Everyone has something that makes them feel like they “stand out” or don’t quite “fit in”

On top of what felt to me like huge flashing beacons of difference, I was also incredibly shy and quiet. This again, created for me a huge insecurity that no one wanted to be around me. I was too quiet, awkward, no fun to be around. Of course none of which was true but that narrative took residence in my mind for a very long time. My shyness often led to situations where if I felt uncomfortable or was put in a situation where I was forced to speak up in front of many others I would go bright red in the face. This would exacerbate the more anxious and self conscious I became. I would feel like I wanted the ground to swallow me up so I could just disappear from the embarrassment of my obvious anxiety and discomfort that everyone could now physically see.

Over the years, I learnt to control this red ripening face reaction to my discomfort. I began to realise that it wasn’t as noticeable as I felt it was to others and those who did notice really didn’t care that much. This took away a lot of my anxiety and fear around this happening and allowed me to take control over how I reacted.

What I took away from High School wasn’t really a great education, I underperformed and under achieved. It wasn’t a supportive friendship group as I had a better group of friends outside of school, than inside its gates. It wasn’t a sense of belonging or safety.

For me school was just a somewhere I felt unable to find my place in, I wasn’t really a neat piece of the schools tapestry. I didn’t belong with the cool kids, because I just wasn’t cool enough. I didn’t belong with the nerdy kids, because I just wasn’t nerdy enough. I didn’t belong with the sporty kids, because I was rubbish at sport. I didn’t fit in any box reliably enough, so I existed between them all. Never really making good friends in any but being around for lots of them.

So school really only taught me to feel I didn’t “fit in”.

Inspiration · parenthood · relationships · self care · self development · self love

She remembered who she was..

The real KazLeave a comment

and the game changed.

The biggest sacrifice I made, that I was unaware of doing until later in life, was of myself. Losing myself in the responsibility of being a mother and wife. Getting lost along my journey. Allowing myself to become a version of a woman that forgot about her passions, her true nature and the things she loved.

This wasn’t something I really even knew I was doing because I had such a strong need to be seen as a “great mum” and to “support and care for everyone” that I made that come first and foremost but the biggest lesson I have finally learnt in my 47 years is to always love and cherish myself first. A fear of others criticising me as a parent, especially as such a young mum was definitely a part of what drove me to always be so focused on everyone else rather than myself.

The catch phrase “love yourself first” which often has very little substance to it, is something that is spread around on social media very liberally, but the last few years have made these three words much more important to me.

No one tells you how to be a mum or a wife. There is no guide book or mentor. If you are lucky you have a great role model in your own parents and their relationships with you and each other. That was not the case in my family as my father passed away when I was young and my mum never knew either of her parents so was “winging” it herself.

Being a mum is amazing but I never had the strength, confidence or wisdom to know how important it was to keep my own identity as a person. That unique person that you are, with all the passions, interests, and ideas. The style you love, your core beliefs, the dreams you carry, they are what make you different to everyone else and that is important because you are not just someone’s mum, wife or partner. That kind of authenticity may not seem that important in your 20’s but as more of it is chipped away by the time you hit your 40’s it can feel like you have completely forgotten who the hell you really are!

The kids are growing up and don’t need you as much, your partner may be so used to this person you have become, who looks after everyone else, but has forgotten what is important to that girl they used to date so many years ago. They may actually decide you’re being “selfish” when you want to reignite those joys that you have forgotten about. Or maybe your partner likes the version of you that you have moulded yourself into more. Perhaps you have both grown apart in the process of focusing on everyone else and coming back to yourselves again means your relationship needs to adjust and pivot, which is not easy.

For me that loss of myself feels like the biggest sacrifice I have made and whilst I would never change my life with my kids and my marriage, I will now encourage my daughter to keep her passions, values and dreams alive always. I would hope she will find a partner who supports that and knows that she is not just there to make sure everyone else is living their best life but that they are both individual people who need the space to nurture their own passions and evolve into who they are meant to be whilst still being committed to each other.

I’ve learnt that whoever you are, your happiness counts and it’s ok to put your own needs at the fore front of your life. You don’t need to feel guilty for that. You are the only person in this life that will do that. No one else can or should be relied upon to make you happy. Don’t give anyone that kind of power over your life. When you have kids of course their happiness and safety is paramount but in order for those children to be happy, they need their parents to be happy first.

Period.