Category: friendship

bereavement · friendship · grief · Inspiration · parenthood · relationships · self care · self development · self love

A little like you…

The real Kaz4 Comments

I think I got my confidence from you. I’m guessing, ‘cos it doesn’t run through mum’s side of the family. Women on mum’s side are shy, anxious, still strong but worry about the world and what will happen when they’re gone. I have that less, so I guess that may come from you, at least I hope. It comforts me to think I can recognise some of your traits in me.

I’m told you were confident, you could strongly voice your point of view. You weren’t scared to speak up in a crowd and enjoyed a debate or two. Ok, so I can’t quite say that’s me, but what I will say is true, I have a strength and desire to break through this shyness and speak my truth. Maybe I wouldn’t have had that with out you as my dad. Maybe I would just have accepted that this was who I am and sat back.

I like to think It’s from you that inner determination runs through me and I hope now I’m wiser and more confident, you can see that too. I know you loved books, loved to read, poems too. I can definitely say I love the written word too.

I try and remember you from when I was young but the memories are foggy, untrustworthy. Is it a memory or a story I’ve been told about you? I’m unsure. I want them all to be memories but there are only a few of which I’m really sure.

The scent of your roll up tobacco from a Golden Virginia tin box, that you would sit and roll out with, your legs crossed. Dressed in old work jeans but with a shirt that never really seemed to match. Then I remember your smile, when a glimpse of me you’d catch.

I wish my kids got to meet you, damn I wish I had more time with you myself, but my kids would have just flourished with your guiding hand or advice instead. Maybe I would have had more strength to make changes with you by my side but I’ve learnt to harness my own courage and sometimes I just know you are there as my guide.

Almost like you are standing right behind me with a hand on my shoulder, nudging me to be brave, do the hard thing, that’s when I feel you. When I have a choice that is difficult, just willing and whispering in my ear to chose the tough road because that leads to growth and change too.

Telling me to stand strong.

Don’t give up.

Shoulders back, head up and you won’t go wrong.

I’m thankful for the parts of me that are from you. It helps me to feel you are close. Through these rough times I would have loved to have you here with me, to know you were beside me taking care of me but you are within me.

I am your daughter and that is enough ‘cos that means I’m tough!

career · Education · friendship · Inspiration · parenthood · parenthood · self care · self development · self love

High school taught me….

The real KazLeave a comment

That I didn’t “fit in”

The older I’ve become, the more I wonder if we all feel this way in some respect during those difficult teenage years. Does anyone actually feel totally accepted and comfortable in their own skin and social group throughout their teenage years?

For me, my home life seemed “different” to others. My dad had died when I was 8 years old and my mum was deaf. Both of those things made me self conscious at parents evenings. Mum couldn’t communicate like the other parents, dad wasn’t there. Two things that were enough to make me feel I stood out like a sore thumb. In reality, I didn’t. No one really took any notice or cared enough about my situation at home. Everyone has something that makes them feel like they “stand out” or don’t quite “fit in”

On top of what felt to me like huge flashing beacons of difference, I was also incredibly shy and quiet. This again, created for me a huge insecurity that no one wanted to be around me. I was too quiet, awkward, no fun to be around. Of course none of which was true but that narrative took residence in my mind for a very long time. My shyness often led to situations where if I felt uncomfortable or was put in a situation where I was forced to speak up in front of many others I would go bright red in the face. This would exacerbate the more anxious and self conscious I became. I would feel like I wanted the ground to swallow me up so I could just disappear from the embarrassment of my obvious anxiety and discomfort that everyone could now physically see.

Over the years, I learnt to control this red ripening face reaction to my discomfort. I began to realise that it wasn’t as noticeable as I felt it was to others and those who did notice really didn’t care that much. This took away a lot of my anxiety and fear around this happening and allowed me to take control over how I reacted.

What I took away from High School wasn’t really a great education, I underperformed and under achieved. It wasn’t a supportive friendship group as I had a better group of friends outside of school, than inside its gates. It wasn’t a sense of belonging or safety.

For me school was just a somewhere I felt unable to find my place in, I wasn’t really a neat piece of the schools tapestry. I didn’t belong with the cool kids, because I just wasn’t cool enough. I didn’t belong with the nerdy kids, because I just wasn’t nerdy enough. I didn’t belong with the sporty kids, because I was rubbish at sport. I didn’t fit in any box reliably enough, so I existed between them all. Never really making good friends in any but being around for lots of them.

So school really only taught me to feel I didn’t “fit in”.

friendship · Inspiration · parenthood · relationships · self care · self development · self love

Happiness can be heard….

The real KazLeave a comment

Just listen.

The giggle of my children, the belly laughs. The involuntary laughter of my daughter, when she just cannot stop. She can’t sneak a look at her brothers because she will cry, laugh and snort all at once and is crossing her legs tightly without realising, just in case because of us all, she holds the award for the most uncontrollable giggler! I dare you to be around that and not begin to smile and giggle yourself, impossible. It’s infectious!

An empty beach, the sound of the waves, crashing against the shore, seagulls cawing overhead. A place of peace, quiet and happiness all at once. Takes my thoughts to me sitting on a blanket by the sea, with a book, just enjoying the surroundings with a flask of hot coffee beside me and maybe someone special sharing the moment too.

Wrapped up in the arms of the one you love so tightly and safe. So close you are listening to the sound of their heartbeat as your head rests on their chest. Totally content, present and secure in the knowledge that you have each other.

When that uplifting tune comes on just at the right time! You are driving along in your car, minding your own business, maybe feeling a little melancholy and #Boom the song that you need to hear comes on to raise your vibe. The hairs stand up on your arms and you turn up that volume knob so the next few cars can hear what your playing too! You no longer care what the other cars in the queue are thinking, its time to karaoke sing along and probably dance and move your body with it too…. pure joy! #dancelikenooneswatching

On an early morning dog walk at 5am. You are the only person out and the only sound is that of the birds chirping in the trees starting their day, saying good morning. Forgetting the worries of yesterday, a feeling of a new beginning and you feel secure in the knowledge that the birds are chirping just for you, whilst everyone else is sleeping.

Your fur baby is enjoying strokes on your lap, snoring away or purring loudly and dribbling. So content. Your are both loving the snuggles. They are chilled and happy alongside you because that is always their favourite place to be. You always find unconditional love and snuggles with them when you need it. Mutual love and contentment. Perfect.

friendship · Inspiration · self care · self development · self love

Days like this…

The real KazLeave a comment
Sad, overwhelming and difficult to get through but you still show up and know it’s just a day amongst a sea of better ones coming…

You get up to face another day, force a smile and go about the routine, the daily grind. Inside you feel empty, the minute your eyes open, it overwhelms you. There’s no slow introduction to the melancholy, it doesn’t creep in as the day develops. Nope. BOOM. It’s there as soon as you are conscious of a new day beginning.

You know if you sit for too long with your thoughts you will start to let them consume you, so you begin, it helps to stay occupied. Dog walk, breakfast, journal, coffee, face on, laptop on, same routine, different day. The kids slowly trundle in, big and not so big, they are pretty self sufficient but they need you to be strong, mostly you manage it, well at least this morning you do. They pass through getting ready for their day, chit chat, arguing, dogs barking, the morning chaos mounting. Until slowly, one by one, peace is restored and their day has begun out in the world, on their way for the day, school, work, university, socialising, doing their thing.

Then.

Silence. Stillness.

It feels vast, makes you uneasy.

Left with your thoughts. The worst place to be. A place that gives too much freedom to ruminate on circumstances, events and feelings. Space to think is dangerous, so its time for coffee and work mode overload. All day, work consumes. Phone calls back to back, listening to peoples problems, looking for solutions, advice, empathy and lots of coffee. Multiple cups. Large cups. On repeat.

You know you love this job, on a good day, this job rocks. It suits you, who you are but when you’re feeling this way, when your heart, chest and mind feel heavy and sad, it’s laborious. So hard to be there for others when its hard enough to be there for yourself, giving reassurance, support, a lifeline. You do though because it’s what you do best, at least when you are at your best.

When the work is done, the kids are home, you have listened to your friends problems, the dinners done, kitchen tidied, washing folded and all that’s left is for the peace and quiet of sleep.

Silence, on your quilt, finally, no one to support, no mask to wear, no one to be strong for. That’s when you know, the tears will fall, the sadness will consume you and you will let it all go. To avoid the inevitable, you switch on the tv, scroll through your phone. Distraction helps you postpone the tidal wave of emotions. Not for long though. It always catches you up, a few steps behind, chasing you quietly.

When you finally relent and switch everything off , it swallows you up, you let it all go because you can, there’s no one to see, no judgement or shame for being weak, letting the kids down, being selfish or too much. Abandon yourself to the ache that has sat in your chest all day, the tears you have held in tightly.

Cry if you must, its ok, tomorrow is a new day when you will walk the walk again. Maybe tomorrow will feel a little easier, maybe the pain will be less. Maybe tomorrow you’ll wake up and have forgotten the sadness and your smile will be genuine and full.

Tomorrow is an opportunity for something different and full of hope.

Hold onto that maybe, its important.

Just maybe.

friendship · Inspiration · relationships · self care · self development · self love

Life is short

The real KazLeave a comment

Stop waiting. Stop putting it off until the time is right. Stop expecting to know when the stars align, when the timing is perfect to make a change. That is never gonna happen. There is always gonna be a reason to wait.

Your mind is going to talk you out of taking that leap of faith because it’s trying to protect you. It will reason, question and analyse. It will come up with every excuse in the book to stick within your comfort zone where it knows you are safe. It’s hardwired that way.

The thing is taking that leap of faith needs to be practised to make it less scary. The more you do it, the less you worry about what might happen because even if it doesn’t turn out as you hoped, you know you will be ok. Others might say you have failed but have you really? You’ve tried, it hasn’t worked out, you’ve learnt how to do it better next time and can now say you gave it your best shot and live without regret.

Isn’t that better than what ifs? Always wondering if you could have done it? Would it have worked? Yes, you could be setting yourself up for some pain and hurt when you jump into something but what if that could be the best thing that ever happened to you and you walked away from it? Are you willing to risk that? What if they could have changed your life for the better? No one wants to feel hurt and pain but you know you would get through it and the potential for happiness is worth the risk, no? Jump into it, if it feels right, with gusto and enthusiasm, if you are going to do it, do it with all your being. No half ass attempts, give it your all!

Say what you want to say, don’t hold it in, don’t leave room for doubt, be honest. Spend time with the people you admire, who are positive, who are living their dreams. Do the things you want to do, seek them out, the more you look, the more opportunities you will find.

Don’t allow life to carry you along with it and never take a chance. You will go through your whole existence never really achieving or experiencing the things that light your soul up. When opportunities arise grab them, when people arrive in your life that you feel connected to embrace them, the universe brings the right opportunities, experiences and people to you at the right time for you to experience, learn and grow. Trust the process….

There is no “right” or “wrong” path to take, only what makes you happy and gives you the experiences you desire. So take them and make this life worth living. The ups, downs and plot twists along the way are the stories you can tell your grandchildren about, that you lived to the full and loved with all your heart. Show them that life is short and age, creeps up on us quickly.

Mostly, make memories because when you are gone, there’s nothing else left but what others remember. Their time with you, your essence, how you made them feel and how you lived your life.

friendship · Inspiration · relationships · self care · self development · self love

For her, be brave..

The real KazLeave a comment

I didn’t mean for us to cause each other any pain but I think it’s too late for that.

If I could turn back the clock I would still do it again. I will never wish that we never spoke, or laughed, or shared who we are with each other. I will never wish that we could erase those times, too many memories that I’m grateful to have….

I hope that you don’t stop this letting you love. I hope you don’t build a wall even higher around your heart that is impossible to break down, because you deserve to be cherished. You deserve it more than anyone I know. When the time is right…

I say that because I know that would be easy to do. It seems hearts do need protecting. They are fragile and easily broken. I never realised how much until now. So it’s time to learn to keep mine safe. Time to establish better boundaries, not be so open, not give it so easily, because I do and I am realising that is dangerous.

This kind of hurt is scary in its nature. It can’t be shared just worked through alone but I really hope you find the person who you are willing to risk that hurt for, open up and really love. There’s so much more out there than what you have had but you’ve got to take a risk to experience it and risks aren’t your forte. I know that now but it’s the only way you are gonna experience the kind of relationship you deserve, by being vulnerable, opening up and trusting someone to take care of you as you do for them. I know that’s hard for you because why would you?

Of all the people on the planet I would have cherished your heart. I would never intentionally hurt you but I fear I may have done so, unintentionally and for that I’m truly sorry.

You deserve the best and I know that I have not said this before because I never wanted to let you go but I really hope you find that in someone. Someone who lives up to it. Let her in and trust her, when its time, she’s out there and for her, you need to be brave.

friendship · Inspiration · relationships · self care · self development · self love

Count on me…

The real KazLeave a comment

When life throws shit at you, who do you turn to?

When all you want to do is get into bed and allow the pain you’re feeling to consume you, who do you know will help you dust yourself off and get back up on your feet? Who can you rely on to dry your tears, listen to how shit you feel and then give you that pep talk, the one that tells you how awesome you are whilst making sure that you have to come over for dinner because they “need” you for “something” but also know you will wallow and mope for far too long in bed otherwise. They know how you roll.

No, they may not be saying what you wanna hear. They may tell you the words that sting when no one else will. You may not want to reach out because you know you will hear the hard truth but if you need them, if they get a whiff of something not being right with you, the phone is ringing, texts beeping, or they will be on your doorstep and not going away until they know what’s going on and they’ve made sure you are taking care of yourself physically and emotionally.

When you struggle to reach out for a shoulder to cry on, someone to talk to, when you think hiding how you feel makes you strong, those people in your life are lifesavers because they are the ones who will read between the lines. When they call and they can hear by the tone in your voice, when you don’t reply to a message, when they see you and notice more from what you’re not saying, that there is something wrong then they make it their mission to find out what that “something” is.

You don’t need many of these lifesavers. No. One in your life is a total blessing. If you are lucky enough to have more, be thankful because they are rare. They usually come from years of friendship, years of seeing you make mistakes, getting drunk together, experiencing setbacks, love and broken hearts and riding through life’s challenges and celebrations together until they know you inside out, what your weaknesses are, your soft spots, your triggers and how much you give to others. They know how you can be taken advantage of, how past relationships have affected you, why you are so guarded now and when you need to be told that what you have done or are doing is wrong, they will kick your butt back into line.

Today people come in and out of our lives so often, we move, change jobs, our families take priority, our time is limited and ultimately we outgrow people. A friend who carries on calling, doesn’t let distance get in the way of friendship, makes time and who most importantly grows with you is gold.

These kind of friendships are cultivated, like any relationship they need work, they need you to be there for each other and put the effort into having fun times together and sharing the difficult ones, they require vulnerability and are not demanding. Life is busy, we all have commitments and these friends don’t expect daily calls, they know that you will both be there when its needed and that life ebbs and flows and changes but that fact doesn’t change what you both know. That you have got each others backs when it’s needed.

So when you have established a lifesaver friendship, they stick around for the long haul and there is very little that can break that bond once it is created. Sometimes I think friendships like these are likely some of the most important relationships in our lives. Through thick and thin and through lifetimes where partners and other relationships fade away, they are there celebrating, laughing, crying and helping us piece ourselves back together.

I’m blessed to have a few and eternally grateful for these ladies In my life.

Thank you x