Still healing…..

You talk about the facts, discuss the events, the circumstances. You thought that meant you were dealing with it, moving on, addressing it all in your mind. You know you have to let go of the past. You’ve read the self help books, talked it out with friends, been to therapy. You thought you had it all under control.

But then someone challenges your lack of emotion, they query why you are not angry or upset. So unruffled, with no bitterness. “But remember how it made you feel, remember the feelings” they say. You sit and remember and without warning, unexpectedly, the tears fall. Then every time you try and recall the worst times, the pain, the guilt, the anxiety, you break down.

Maybe you don’t have it so together, maybe you’ve buried it deep, so you can live your life. Maybe you’ve made a decision, subconsciously that box won’t be opened until this is over and it’s not. You’re still in it. So you keep the box closed, tightly.

When it’s all finally over and you are able to take a breath, you will tentatively open that box and you know it will unravel a tsunami of feelings. That closed box in your mind, keeps you able to function, when it’s opened and the contents examined you need to be safe, with people you love and when you are able to be kind to yourself. Again the tears fall. Not now, when it’s over.

You’re not healed, you’re still healing. It’s a work in progress.