Positive Selfishness

When someone describes you as selfish, it feels like a harsh criticism doesn’t it? There’s almost a recoiling of horror that someone could describe you as such. Being described as selfless, is less harsh but as a woman, I can say it often describes a way of living that is likely to leave you, used up, worn and rung out from giving so much to others: time, love and support. So why not work on being self-full? A place where you are making sure you are taken care of first and full to the brim so that you can give and support others without putting your own wellbeing at risk.

Self love is a term used widely and taking care of what you need first by loving your mind, body and spirit is essential for you to be there for others. Loving yourself does not require you to take love away from others, as is often believed, it means that you will be able to give more when you are taking time for yourself. Time for yourself can come in many forms, depending on what it is you personally require in your life. It may mean working out, eating better, meditating, taking time to be alone, doing what you love, setting boundaries or saying “no” when you need to. It may mean working on yourself, journaling, inner child work or therapy to heal your wounds.

Being selfish is described as “concerned excessively with oneself: seeking or concentrating on ones own advantage without regard for others”. Selfishness would mean you are putting others in harms way or last and that you were disregarding what is good for others to focus on yourself but that is not the intention here. The intention, just like the airplane rule of putting your oxygen mask on first so you can help your children, is that if you are full to the brim with what you need, you can do so much more for others.

Being self-full is positive selfishness and is in fact a generous mindset. If there is no water in your own well, you can’t give anyone else a drink either. Your own wellbeing and mental health is incredibly important for the quality of your support to your family. Some people in your life may view prioritising yourself as selfish but could that be because they wanted to be prioritised first, above you? Selfish?

You maybe prioritising others because it makes you feel good about yourself. It may come from a need to be wanted and liked, this may come from a wound within you that needs healing and addressing from your childhood or relationships in the past. If you feel like putting everyone else first, when it clearly was detrimental to what you wanted and your health has been an issue for you in the past, be honest and take a good look inward at why this is. Is it something you need to address from your past?

Or have the people around you made you feel guilty if you don’t put everyone else first? Do you feel pressure to be the glue that fixes and holds the family together, solves problems and keeps everyone safe and well. Who then does this for you?

Start to do this for yourself, show your kids by example that if they take care of themselves they will never be placing their health and wellbeing in someone else’s hands. Remember you won’t always be a priority to others, even those closest to you will have reasons and underlying motives for asking things of you. That is why you have to be a priority to yourself. Learn to respect yourself, take care of yourself and become your own support system.

Your needs matter. Start meeting them.

Choose yourself, so you can then choose to be there for others.